Thirty Xanatos Pile–Up
by Shadow Crystal Mage
Summary: Genma brings Ranma to meet the Tendos, only it's not Ranma. Negi is late to Mahora because he got stuck in a Holy Grail War. Yuuno lost some Jewel Seeds. Nodoka's legs are paralyzed, so Signum takes her to class. Let the madness start! Over-Troped Crack!
1. Crack Fic

A/N: **Gundum M** is well advised to run away screaming from this story. It's going to be Trope-Overloaded to the gills. The rest of you, well…

This is quite likely my most explicitly perverted work to date.

I DO have a plot in mind, but…

_MAXIMUM POWER! CRACK FIC MAKER!_

...

Thirty Xanatos Pile-Up

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 1: Crack Fic

Disclaimer: I own none of these series. All of them belong to their respective owners. Some have probably been mutated beyond recognition. Please don't sue me.

...

A boy and a panda walked in the rain.

Yes, I'm finally writing _that_ kind of fic. Hush now, let's get the ball rolling.

The boy was shorter than one would expect, and the umbrella, while unusual, wasn't all that strange. It certainly explained why he was still a boy.

"Maybe we'll run into some hot water before we get there," he was saying. "I mean, there's a good chance we'll run into a ramen vendor or something."

The panda made a sound, but it's actually response was a much more eloquent sign. _How likely do you think our luck is going to stretch that far?_

The boy sighed. "Good point. You sure you don't want to try fitting under the umbrella?"

_Mammals have fur for a reason. __I'll be fine. _

This was not your typical duo.

...

"Genma's coming _here_?" Saotome Nodoka exclaimed happily.

Soun nodded as he showed the letter to Nodoka. She was an old family friend, and had been coming over since his wife– bless her soul– had died. They been best friends. "He says he's finally going to go through with the old agreement between the schools! It's a bit early, but no harm in setting up the groundwork. Hang on, let me read the rest…"

Nodoka waited impatiently as Soun read.

"… well, that's odd," he said, confused. "He says he'll be coming here to introduce 'his son Ranma'."

The two adults looked towards the living room, where the young ones were playing D&D.

"I'm sorry Ranma," Nabiki was saying. "But the guards instantly pick you out. Your Disguise check wasn't high enough to hide the fact that the guards custom-fitted uniform you stole doesn't fit you."

Ranma glared at her. "I never should have introduced you to the Evil Overlord List."

"Your own fault," Akane teased.

The two adults exchanged looks.

"There's likely a perfectly good explanation for this…" Soun ventured.

...

"Oh, crap," Genma said, staring down the business end of his wife's katana.

"Dear," Nodoka said pleasantly, gesturing to the scruffy looking boy with Genma. "Who is that boy?"

Soun sighed. "So much for patience."

"Hey, leave my dad alone!" the boy with Genma cried. "I'm Saotome Ranma, and if you don't put that thing down, I'm kicking your ass!"

Nodoka twitched. "_Genma_…" she drawled dangerously.

He swallowed. "There's a perfectly good explanation for this…"

...

Nodoka rubbed her temples. "Let me get this straight," she said. "This boy– " she pointed at the 'Ranma' that had come with Genma "– is someone you met and decided to take care of during your training trip. You've been passing him off as Ranma, since that way the paperwork fit."

"Uh, basically," Genma admitted, sweating.

"And now, you're planning to take him to Mahora Academy, because a friend of yours is doing you a favor and managed to enroll him there," Nodoka said. "Ignoring the fact you neglected to arrange this _for your __**actual **__son_."

Genma nodded.

"Anything else you forgot to mention?" Nodoka asked serenely. Soun, the other Ranma and the girls quietly edged away.

Genma smiled weakly. "Do you have any water?"

...

_Two years later__…_

Asuna's eyes darted warily, on the lookout for water.

"Would you give it a rest, Asuna?" her roommate, Konoka, skating along beside her, said. "Water is not out to get you."

"Yes it is," Asuna growled, stomping in a very unlady-like manner. "Konoka, ice-water could find me in the middle of the Sahara desert at high noon in the middle of summer, if it had to drop out of a plane. I need to _always _be on the lookout. CONSTANT VIGILANCE!"

"Is that your new catchphrase?" Akane, running along her other side, asked with a laugh.

"The path of a martial artist is fraught with peril, paved with landmines, with toll booths every five feet, manned by Nabiki," Asuna said resolutely.

Ranma rolled his eyes. "Sis, you're over-reacting. If I could do what you could, I'd _always_ have cold water on me."

Akane bopped him lightly as they ran. "Pervert," she chided easily.

"You know you want me," Ranma teased.

Asuna glared at him. "Being a girl is no fun. ARGH! Stupid monthly thing…"

"LA DEE DA DEE DA!" Ranma cried, covering his ears as they neared an intersection. "Well, this is my turn! See you later, girls!"

They waved goodbye to him as he ran towards the boy's middle school, while they ran on towards the girl's.

"Please let this not be the day people find out I'm an aquatransexual," Asuna said her daily prayer.

...

The train thundered down the track, heading inexorably to Mahora Academy. In three adjacent seats, three people sat with varying degrees of relaxation.

The one sitting by the aisle was a girl in her late teens, with dark hair. She wore an extremely short skirt and extremely high stockings. Her top was relatively unimportant to describe, though it was loose, practical, and not at all provocative. She was wearing a rather fetching pair of glasses as she read an old book, relaxed and a bit bored.

Next to her sat a blonde girl with her hair pulled back into a bun, wearing a white blouse and a blue skirt. She sat straight in her chair, looking ahead and seemingly ignoring her companions, hands folded calmly.

Near the window was a young boy in a suit and tie, who had a near-permanent mortified blush on his face, was unsuccessfully trying to take in the scenery flying past. His eyes, however, kept darting to the two girls in the seats next to him.

"Is something the matter, Negi?" Saber asked.

He blushed harder, and stared intently out the window. "No, nothing's the matter, Saber. Nothing at all."

Rin snorted. "Negi, so you boinked King Arthur. Get over it. Most kids– well, most boys would love to have that happen to them, never mind who it was with."

"Rin!" Saber hissed, flushing, her self-control slipping.

Rin grinned widely.

Negi thumped his head against the window, trying to dispel memories. _Berserker_, he thought to himself,_ remember Berserker. Remember how he almost killed you all. _Don't_ remember what happened at the…!_

"Negi, stop banging your head against the window before it breaks and they bill us for it," Rin said.

Negi sighed at thechide. "At least Illya's not here…" he muttered. "We have a little peace and quiet…"

"She's on the next train behind us," Rin said. "Shiro said they almost caught this train. No surprise. She's very driven. Stud."

Negi started banging his head against the window again.

"If I ever get a chance to go back in time like Archer did," Negi muttered, "I'm keeping myself from stopping at Fuyuki to meet Shiro. I could have come some other time, couldn't I? Or we could have just stayed pen pals, never really met."

Saber began to fidget. "Am I really so bad in b–"

Negi's hand snapped to cover her mouth with a speed that astounded the Servant. "Please don't mention things like that in public!" he pleaded. "I keep telling you! if anyone finds out, we'll get arrested!"

Rin patted Saber on the shoulder. "You're not bad in bed, Saber," she reassured her. "And I'm sure Negi doesn't think so either."

Negi glared at her. "Not helping, Rin!"

...

Miyazaki Nodoka pushed her wheelchair into 2-A's classroom, looking over her shoulder gratefully at Signum. "Thank you, Signum nee-chan," she said, eliciting a smile from the pink-haired woman.

"Nodoka-chan!" Haruna called out. "How are you feeling?"

"I'd better get going," Signum said, excusing herself.

"Have you heard?" Misora gossiped. "That new homeroom teacher of ours is finally going to arrive today!"

"They're replacing Death-Specs?" Asuna said as she balanced on a blackboard marker. "About damned time."

"Eh?" Nanoha said. "I thought you liked Takahata-sensei, Asuna-san?"

"I do. That's why I'm glad he's no longer going to be our teacher. No more blacks marks on his record!"

Ayaka sniffed. "You truly are a barbaric little monkey, aren't you, Saotome-san?"

Asuna glared at her. "You're not nearly as nice as your cousin Kuno."

They glared at each other, moving into martial stances as they got ready to fight…

"Look! Water!" Akane said, pointing randomly.

Asuna gave a scream and ran out of the room.

Akane smirked. "Works every time…"

A blue bracelet glinted around her wrist…

...

"Oh, crap," Yuuno Scrya said, just before the Jewel Seeds fell to Earth…

...

"Rin," Saber said. "How did you conveniently have an apartment ready for us when we reached Mahora?"

"Ah, ah!" Rin said, waggling her finger. "A magus never reveals her secrets. At least, not without… _persuasion_…"

"Rin!" Saber cried. "It's the middle of the morning!"

"What's your point?"

...

Takamachi Nanoha was having a perfectly average day. Get up, get dressed, make sure her roommate Akane was ready to go, help her find her Kyosei Panda plushy, run to school, meet new teacher who happened to be four years younger than she was, head back to the dorm, hear mysterious voice calling her name…

Wait… that wasn't right…

...

**- To be continued...**

...

A/N: Let the madness begin…

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	2. TvTropes Will Ruin Your Life

_A/N: __let's see if THIS fic can get into TvTropes…_

_..._

_**Before**__**…**_

_T__he boy who'd been calling himself Ranma, and indeed thought of himself as Ranma, scowled at the mirror. The person reflected there could not, by any stretch of the imagination, be called a boy. "I hate this curse…" she growled. "Why do I have to be enrolled as a girl?" she demanded. _

"_Now, now, it'll be all right Ran– er, Asuna," Genma said, trying to calm her down. "Sorry, but there was some misunderstanding with the papers, and since this way both you and Ranma get to go…"_

_She glared at the aforesaid boy, who cringed back. __"This had better be damned temporary…" she growled._

_..._

_Akane looked at the plush doll her neighbor Sakura had __sent her. "EH?-!" she cried. "It's alive?-!"_

"_Hey, I'm not an 'it'!" the plushy declared. "I'm a Messenger of the Moderators! I'm Kyosei Panda! And you've been chosen as a Kampfer!"_

_Akane sweatdropped. __"I wonder if Kinomoto knew this would happen…"_

_..._

_"Yes,__" Rin said. "You and Saber have not only a spiritually connected path, but also a physical path. So there's no need to use difficult magic to give her magical energy. All you have to do is to give her energy."_

"_Eh?" Negi said. "But I don't know how to do any of that! I'm a Mage, not a Magus!"_

_Rin __gave him a look. It was very creepy._

_"__It's simple. Sleep with her. Saber's a girl fortunately, so it should be easy, right?" she said lightly…_

Negi snapped awake in terror, staring at the ceiling of the room Shiro had lent him.

A sleepy Saber held him tighter, muttering something unclear, while Rin held her from behind. Vapor wear abounded.

Negi deliberately kept staring at the ceiling, not looking at the two, as his near-constant blush began to rebuild itself. "That's it," he whispered. "I'm never sleeping next to Nekane again…"

"Hmm…?" Rin said, eyes opening slightly. "Oh, Negi's awake now… good, we can get back to business…"

Shotacon ensued.

...

Thirty Xanatos Pile-Up

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 2: TvTropes Will Ruin Your Life

Disclaimer: I own none of these series. All of them belong to their respective owners. Some have probably been mutated beyond recognition. Please don't sue me.

...

Sakurazaki Setsuna tried not to yawn as she left her room, schoolbag and Yuunagi in hand. As was her habit, she knocked loudly on the door to Kaede and the twins' room, reminding them it was time to go. "Stupid Miroku ninja training too hard to hear the alarm clock," she muttered, before heading to stalk– er, _guard–_ Konoka.

Yesterday had certainly been interesting. Their new teacher seemed awfully young, and Setsuna suspected Mage influence. She tried not to think about how she'd heard one of the twins whispering how he reeked of women.

In the welcome party afterwards, she'd heard about how he'd saved Nodoka when her wheelchair had fallen down some stairs, something that had apparently enamored him to the girl, and had earned him the fervent thanks of her guardians. Though he'd been incredibly disturbed by Ayaka's attentions. Asuna had, of course, found this reprehensible, and Akane hadn't been able to divert them in time before an Anything Goes versus Yukihiro Aikijutsu battle erupted. It hadn't been pretty. She really couldn't tell which one was holding back.

In any case, it was a new day. Konoka stalking ahoy!

Er, _guarding!_ Konoka _guarding_ ahoy! REALLY!

...

_So, these Jewel Seeds will cause trouble if I don't catch them? _Nanoha thought to Yuuno as she sat in class.

_Yeah, that's pretty much the gist of it,_ he said. _I understand how you wouldn't want to, but…_

_How likely are tentacle monsters to appear?_ Nanoha interrupted.

_Um, I don't foresee tentacle monsters…_

_Then I'm in!_

...

Akane, Asuna, and Konoka were heading to meet Ranma when a little girl walked up to them. She had corpse-ishly pale skin, vivid blue eyes, dead-white hair, and was wearing a slightly altered cut of the regulation elementary school uniform. "Pardon me, honorable elder sisterly personage, but might I have a brief moment to examine that rather fetching bracelet that adorns thy wrist? I attracted my attention and I am most curious as to it, as I am speculating as to the viability of purchasing a similar bracelet for myself."

They all blinked. "Wha?" Asuna said.

Akane, having more sophisticated interpreting software, managed to get the gist. "Um, sure little girl," she said, showing the blue bracelet to the girl.

The girl examined it. "Quite a remarkable specimen. Sure this means thou art a Kampfer, one of the chosen of the Moderators. This is quite a fortuitous meeting."

Asuna and Konoka blinked in confusion. Akane paled. "What…?"

The girl took a step backward and held out her hand. "Have at thee, and perish!"

A ball of some kind of slightly greenish liquid appeared, causing a sharp smell to rise. It launched forward, and the girls were barely able to duck, Asuna tackling Konoka out of the way. They fell to the ground ,and the green liquid splashed against a wall. It immediately began to eat through it.

Akane's bracelet began to shine. "Asuna, Konoka, get out of here!" she cried. "I'll handle this!"

"Like hell!" Asuna cried, as soon as she managed to pull her face out of Konoka's cleavage where she had fallen into during the dive, wiping the stream of blood from her nose. "That crazy girl's some kind of magical type who shoots acid! What could you do?"

Akane's bracelet burst in a flash of light. When it resolved, a rather slim, wiry boy in the school's standard boy's uniform, with fiery red hair stood in her place. "Shut up and move your ass, bitch!" he cried. "If you don't get outta here, then it's going to be bitch-rapin' time!"

"Hey!" Asuna cried. "What the hell is–?"

"Right, Zauber-tan," 'Akane' said, holding out his hands. "Say hello to my little friend!"

An M61 Vulcan appeared in them.

The pale girl's eyes narrowed. "A Gewehr-type. Such a ridiculously large weapon you wield, honorable elder sister turned honorable elder brother. Mayhaps a psychological representation of something?"

Machine-gun fire was the only answer.

"What the hell!" Asuna cried as she grabbed Konoka and ran.

Somewhere, Setsuna was twitching. "She put her face in… she put her face in… THE WORLD IS SO UNFAIR!"

Then she recovered herself and realized she had to follow Konoka. A stalker's– er, _protector's!_– work is never done…

...

"I have found the true Holy Grail," Saber declared.

Rin rolled her eyes. "She never says that about _my_ cooking," she complained to Satsuki, who was serving the blonde her 7th serving of meat buns.

Satsuki shrugged. Sorry. So, you're Negi-sensei's guardians…?

...

It was another average day for Emiya Shiro. When Negi had first come over, who'd have thought that he would become a Master in the Holy Grail War? Or that Shiro would have inside him an artifact that would summon King Artur? It had been pretty much touch and go there, but in the end, they'd rallied, defeating Shinji and reuniting Rider with her Master Sakura, defeating Berserker, and having Illya, who turned out to be his long-lost step-sister, stay with them, negotiating peace with Caster, defeating Gilgamesh such that he acknowledged that humanity as it was wasn't so bad and having him and Lancer turn on Kirei, and using the Grail's power to help that Irish woman they'd found in the basement of the church, as well as helping that poor Servant Avenger. Zouken had also been conveniently taken care of.

Sighing happily and shaking the convenient dump of exposition from his thoughts, Shiro went off to make dinner for himself, Sakura and Rider, who were both living with him…

...

Archer, in the Throne of Heroes, sweatdropped. "How the HELL did I turn out the way I did from that kind of ridiculously contrived Good Ending?"

...

"Negi-kun!" Illya cried as she ran, tackling the boy who had opened the apartment door. "Fix me!"

"Ah!" Negi cried, falling over in surprise.

Behind Illya, Sella glared in disapproval. "Boy, how dare you devise a method for saving my mistress from dissolution via consumption of magically charged genetic material and then leaving suddenly like that! What if this had a negative impact on her treatment?"

"It was just one day…" Negi tried to say.

"Irrelevant!" Sella declared. "You cannot just run off like that! Illya needs your sperm!"

"Treatment! I need treatment!" Illya cried, reaching for Negi's pants.

Some time later, Rin and Saber finally walked into the apartment. "Hello Sella, Leysritt," Rin greeted. "Illya finally here?"

They pointed.

"Great! We'll join them! Saber needs to work off all the weight she ate…"

...

**- To be continued...**

...

A/N: If you don't know what _**Kampfer**_ is, look up the manga and anime. You'll be glad you did.

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	3. Serious Business

A/N: I HAVE MY OWN TVTROPES PAGE! ONE I DIDN'T MAKE MYSELF! **YES! **THE CAMPAIGN IS WORKING! **AOIRANN, **I LOVE YOU!

...

Thirty Xanatos Pile-Up

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 3: Serious Business

Disclaimer: I own none of these series. All of them belong to their respective owners. Some have probably been mutated beyond recognition. Please don't sue me.

...

Akane glared at the girl in front of her, ready to go Kampfer in an instant. "_That's_ how you test someone?" she demanded. "By throwing acid at them?"

Cocone shrugged. "I'm sorry," she said, voice quiet. "My personality and looks change when I become a Kampfer. You should know what that's like."

Akane gave the loli a glare. _Must not hit little girls, must not hit little girls…_ she repeated to herself, resisting the urge to call her nicely oversized machine gun. "That's hardly the best way to get your allies to like you."

Cocone shuffled nervously. "I can't help it. The other me… likes being loud. And talking."

Akane sighed. "Great. Now I have to find a way to explain this to my friends."

"Would it not mayhap be more convenient towards the correction of the situation to remove them? " Cocone suggested, turning her pale blue eyes to Akane, one eyebrow raised inquisitively.

Akane glared. "Change back before I perforate your ass, bitch," he said.

There were a pair of shudders, and they were both back to normal.

"Sorry," Cocone said. "I still can't control it very well."

"Me neither," Akane admitted. "Well, come on, you can help me explain…"

...

"Was water involved?" was Asuna's first question.

"Asuna-chan, I don't think water causes every bad thing to happen," Akane chided.

"You don't know that!" Asuna insisted. "And what was the deal, turning into a guy and going all unreasonably hyper-violent there?"

Akane sighed. "Apparently, that's how my particular Bracelet of Oath works. According to Kyosei Panda–"

"'Castrated Panda'?" Asuna repeated.

"My Messenger," Akane said patiently. "In Otaku terms, if I'm a magical girl, then he's my animal sidekick and mentor. Anyway–"

"Your mentor is an _Entrail Animal_?" Asuna interrupted again. "I'm sorry, did I hear that right? Just so we're clear. Your magical animal sidekick is a plush toy of a panda with no balls and its guts hanging out?"

"_YES!_" Akane cried. "Can I explain now?"

"Sheesh, no need to get tetchy, Akane," Asuna said.

Akane glared. "_Anyway_… my bracelet changes me into a Kampfer, which in this case, means turning into a boy with a hyper-violence problem and an absurdly big gun."

"Kampfer are always girls," Cocone explained. "But I guess there's nothing that says they _stay_ girls."

Konoka and Ranma, technically not allowed in the girl's dorm but snuck in anyway, just stared.

"So now you can _both_ turn into boys?" Konoka said weakly.

"I'm saying _right now_ we are _never_ going to try it _that_ way," Ranma declared. "You know, if we ever decide to go through with the schools being joined thing. I'm pretty certain mom will say it's not manly."

...

"Excuse me?" Saber said, entering the dojo. "I'm here about the instructor job?"

A woman with long pink hair pulled back in a tail looked up. "Name?"

"Pendragon Saber," Saber said.

The woman pursed her lips. "Well, no reason why you can't try out." She picked up a shinai and tossed it to Saber, who caught it. "Show me what you can do." She picked up her own shinai.

"Who do I have the honor of fighting?" Saber asked as she approached.

"Miyazaki Signum," the woman said. "Ready? Go!"

_Three hours later…_

"Signum!" Vita cried, barging into the dojo. The sky was already dark. "It's late! Nodoka's getting worried! Why are you… still… here…?"

Vita stared at the two women fighting with wild abandon. She gauged the blonde woman's skills, whistled, and checked her watch. Crap, this might be a while…

Sighing, she sat down to wait, and maybe spend the night…

...

_Much later that night…_

"Saber?-!" Negi exclaimed as the Servant walked in. "Where have you been? We were getting worried!"

"Getting a job…" the Servant said tiredly. "Where's dinner?"

"At _this_ hour?" Negi exclaimed. "It's almost nine!"

"The audition was… lengthy," Saber said, plopping down at the table and beginning to eat.

"You didn't sign up at an image club, did you?" Rin asked.

Negi and Saber gave her identical questioning looks. "Image club?" they chorused.

"Aww!" Rin said. "It's so cute, knowing there are some things the two of you still don't know!"

Negi twitched. "Actually, I'm fine with not knowing," he said. "Very, very fine…"

...

Negi sighed as he did his desk at the faculty office. Being a teacher was tough work, but he was finding it very fulfilling. Additionally, it was giving him a steady pay check, so he didn't have to feel guilty about living off Rin.

The door to the offices suddenly slid open and Ako and Makie came rushing in. "**NEGI-SENSEI! TAKE CHARGE!**"

"Use your authority!" Makie cried.

"We were attacked!" Ako said, crying.

Makie pointed. "Look at these bruises! Help us!"

"Wh-what?" Negi exclaimed. "Who would do that…?"

…

"It's me, Eiko the high school ace!"

Akira leapt in the attacks way, protecting a surprised Yuuna, but the attack struck her and she cried out in pain.

"Ha ha, so you see?" Eiko laughed. "You're just little babies compared to us high school girls!"

"Hey, you there!" a child's voice suddenly cried.

The girls turned, in time to see Negi doing his best to look intimidating. There have been scarier bowls of jello.

"How dare you pick on my students!" he cried. "As their instructor, I cannot tolerate this! Apologize before I get mad!"

There was stunned silence. Then…

"SQUEEEE!" was the battle cry. "He's so cute!"

"Ah!" Negi cried in alarm.

"I've heard about a ten year-old teacher…"

"I'll hold him first!"

"No I will!"

"What a cute tushy!"

Negi thought frantically, eyes growing cross-eyed in the press of female bodies…

"AH! RAPISTS CHILD MOLESTERS! HELP! THEY'RE TOUCHING ME IN INAPPROPRIATE PLACES!" he cried, panicked.

_Rin suddenly looked up from the plans for the Jewel Sword she was examining. "Did you just feel something, Illya? Like a chill?"_

"Wha-?" the girls said, backing away slightly.

"Saotome-Style Special Technique! _Atama-ni-obujekuto-o-surō_!"

Something hit Eiko in the head, and she whirled in shock.

"Ah!" Yuuna cried. "It's Asuna-san, Class rep, Nanoha-san and Akane-san!"

"Unhand that innocent, viginal boy this instance!" Ayaka cried dramatically.

"Tough talk for a brat!" one of the girls with Eiko cried.

"Tough talk for an old lady!" Akane countered back.

"Get out of here before we kick your ass!" Asuna cried. "Because if it's a fight you want… SAOTOME ASUNA DOESN'T LOSE!"

"Why are you doing this!-?" Nanoha demanded. "What do you think you can accomplish? Can't we just be friends?"

Eiko smirked evilly, crossing her arms. A red bracelet dangled from one wrist. "I'm shaking in my stylish shoes. You girls talk tough, but junior high reps mean squat to high schoolers. Besides, Ayaka, that's no way to talk to your sempai. We run things around here. We go where we want, do what we want, to whomever we want. Got that, brats?"

The Asuna, Ayaka and Akane began to growl.

Eiko leaned over and put an arm around Negi's shoulders, putting her face close to his. "And right now, we want to do things to this cutie here…"

Negi screamed in purest trauma. "_**AH! CHILD MOLESTER! SEX OFFENDER! PEDOPHILE! SHE'S **__**TOUCHING**__** MEEEEEE!-!-!-!-!-!-!**_"

"_There it is again!" Rin declared. "I swear I felt something!"_

"You heard him, you old hag!" Asuna cried as Akane stepped back, one hand over her wrist, looking slightly concerned by how it flashed. "Let him go!"

"_**UNHAND NEGI-SENSEI!**_" was Ayaka's battle roar.

"Girls, what's going on here?"

Everything and everyone came to a screeching halt.

"Takahata!" Negi cried. "Oh, thank god!"

...

"Oh, YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!" Asuna cried as they reached the roof where they were supposed to have PE. "This again?"

"Why hello girls," Eiko said mockingly. "Fancy meeting you here."

Behind her, Negi, in the grip of several girls, sighed. "There must be less dangerous jobs. I hear Somalian pirates almost never encounter teenaged girls at all. Ditto for Alaskan crab fishermen. And Karie never bothers the Mythbuster's crash test dummies…"

"GET OFF OUR ROOF!" Asuna cried.

"And let Negi-sensei go!" Nanoha added. "He's clearly uncomfortable!"

"Make us!" one of the high school girls said.

The two sides closed in, but before any actual injuring occurred…

"_**ACHOO!**_"

… a brief hurricane erupted, startling the two groups and letting Negi escape his captor's grip.

"No, wait!" Negi cried, trying to get their attention. "Violence is no way to solve an argument!"

"It's always done pretty well for me," Asuna said.

"Freaky weather we're having…" Makie said, looking around.

"Since you all like sports so much," Negi continued, "I suggest we settle this sportingly. Instead of endless disputes, we resolve this here and now! How about a game of dodgeball? That way, it's on an even ground."

A slow, evil smile began to creep along Eiko's face, as it did several of her classmates. "Fine with us," she said. "We'll even spot them 11 extra players. Winner gets first dibs on all the disputed territories."

"You're on!" Asuna cried as 2-A cheered in agreement.

"But if we win…" Eiko said, draping herself over Negi. "This cutie transfers to our school to… _teach_… us."

"W-what?-!" Negi exclaimed.

_Saber's head snapped up. "I sense someone is trying to steal my kingdom…"_

"_There, there was definitely a chill there!" Rin exclaimed_

...

"Go, go!" the cheerleaders cried. "Let's go, 2-A! KICK THEIR ASSES!"

Evangeline sighed, putting her fingers in her hands as Chachamaru launched fireworks beside her. "Why the hell do they have to do this on my roof? I was drinking tea…"

"Aren't we going to help?" Mana asked, leaning against the wall.

"Oh, they look like they're having fun," Kaede commented.

"Konoka's… _ass_…" Setsuna drooled.

"Go everyone!" Nodoka cheered from her wheelchair.

Zazie sat on the wall, a bird perched on her hand. _All according to plan…_

The volley opened with Negi getting hit on the head.

Asuna managed to catch the rebound.

"You're still in!" she cried. "Come on, sensei, don't screw this up for us! Saotome-Style Special Technique! _Atama-ni-obujekuto-o-surō_!"

The ball his one of the high school girls, knocking her out of the game.

"Let's show them how it's done!" Asuna cried.

...

It soon became clear, however, that having twice as many members as the other team was a liability in Dodgeball.

"She's moving fast!"

"Clear a space!"

"Coming through!"

"Don't panic!"

Eiko grinned. "Go ahead, panic." She threw lazily.

It hit the back of Haruna's (no relation to Asuna or Ranma) head, rebounded, bounced of the back of Chizuru's and tagged Misora before dropping to the ground. They were out.

"2-A with 3 outs!"

"What the hell?" Asuna cried.

"Let's try that again," Eiko said, throwing.

It struck Hakase, Satsuki, Natsumi, and Asakura before finally coming to rest.

"Girls!" Ayaka cried. "It's Dodgeball! You might try actually dodging!"

"But there's too many of us to move around!" Asakura protested.

And that's when they realized their tactical disadvantage.

Eiko took out Yue and was about to go for one of the twins when Asuna stepped in. She grabbed the ball, lobbing towards Eiko as strongly as she could. "Take this!"

Eiko caught it in one hand with negligent ease. "Take what?" she said mockingly.

"Impossible!" Asuna cried. "That was my most powerful attack! No normal girl can possibly just catch it!"

"Who ever said we were normal girls?" Eiko bragged. "The truth is…"

"You're professional dodgeball players?" Akane asked mockingly.

Eiko leveled a hateful glare at her before Ayaka stepped in front of the shorter girls, blocking her from view, glaring right back. Eiko grunted. "Hardly. We are more than just dodgebal players, we are…"

The remaining members of the high schoolers threw off their clothes, revealing uniforms underneath. "…** THE KANTO REGIONAL DODGEBALL MARTIAL ARTS TOURNAMENT CHAMPIONSHIP TEAM, THE BLACK LILIES!**"

"And Dodgeball Ninjutsu!" one of the members added.

"Yes," Eiko conceded. "And Dodgeball Ninjutsu!"

2-A stared.

"That's just lame!" Haruna cried.

"What kind of weird Martial Arts and Crafts is that!" Chisame cried.

"I have heard of these people…" Kaede said seriously. "The feats of Dodgeball Ninjutsu are Legen– wait for it…"

"It is said that Dodgeball Martial artists were able to hold out against enemy mortar fire by sending it back to their enemies in World War II," Mana said. "Truly fearsome foes."

"–dary!" Kaede said. "It seems I must take a hand…"

She stood, walking to the field. "Yo, anyone want to tag out?"

"Me!" Makie cried, tagging Kaede as she ran off.

"Are they allowed to do that?" one of the high schoolers said.

"Eh, let them," Eiko said. "It makes no difference."

Kaede smiled, never opening her eyes.

"Heh," Eiko said. "Let this be an example! Bibi, Shii! Triangle attack!"

Battle auras flared, and Ayaka, despite her brave stand, fell under their merciless attack, followed by Chisame and Akira.

"It's over for you now, brat!" Eiki taunted. "Take this! Dodgeball Martial Arts Final Technique! Sun Attack Death Blow!"

The ball streaked down to hit Konoka.

Setsuna leapt to her feet, grabbing for her sword.

"Konoka!" Asuna cried, moving in front of her.

The ball struck her hard in the torso, eliciting a cry of pain.

"Hah!" Eiko cried, catching the ball. "Let's try that again! Dodgeball Martial Arts Final Technique! Sun Attack Death Blow!"

Kaede caught the ball. "She's already out," she said. "That is going too far."

Eiko sneered at her. "Who the hell do you think you are?"

Kaede opened one eye. Concentric circles grew outward from her pupil, and three comma-like black marks spun clockwise around it. "Nagase Kaede, of the Miroku Ninja Clan," she declared. "Wielder of the Sharinnegan."

Nanoha and the lone Dodgeball Ninja on the other team gasped. "The Mistress of Six Deviations!" Nanoha cried, covering her crotch.

"We're screwed!" the high school ninja cried. "Hopefully not literally!"

"2-A!" Kaede declared. "Let's get dangerous."

The other remaining 2-A players– Nanoha, Akane, Negi, the twins, Konoka, Ako, Chao, Ku– all nodded.

Kaede turned and faced the Black Lilies. "Miroku clan special technique! BALL BUSTER!"

"Ah!" one of the Lilies cried, falling. Her teammate caught it, saving her.

"This'll teach you!" he teammate cried. "Meteor Strike!"

Ako, drew back her leg. "Time to bend it like Beckham!" she cried, kicking the ball right back.

The ball bounced, hanging in the air. Nanoha and the other ninja leapt at it. Nanoha got it first. "Take this!" Nanoha cried. "Midori-ya Divine Stardust Fall!"

"AH!" the enemy nin cried, taking it right in the face.

"China Double Attack!" Chao and Ku cried.

"Akane punch!" Akane cried.

"Twin Loli Strike!"

Now that the named attacks were coming out, combined with the Cheerleaders and the other 2-A girl singing _1000 Percent Sparkling_, 2-A was able to turn the tide.

"TIME'S UP! 2-A wins!"

"Yeah!" Negi cried. "I don't have to fill in faculty transfer paper work!"

"No way!" Eiko cried. "How could we have lost!-?"

The Dodgeball Ninja stared at her. "How badly do you want to step on that?"

"Shut up, Karin!"

"Gr…" Eiko cried, glaring at Kaede and Asuna as she grabbed the ball. "We've still got overtime, bitches! Dodgeball Martial Arts Forbidden Technique! Murderous World Crush!-!-!"

The ball streaked towards the back of Asuna's head. She turned at the cry, but was too off-guard to react.

Negi grabbed the ball, catching it in one hand. "That's… not… NICE!" he cried, lobbing it back with a little something extra.

Eiko caught it, and her clothes exploded off her, leaving her in just her underwear.

"My…" Kaede said, making a show of looking her up and down. "You strip down nice…"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!" Eiko cried, trying to cover herself up.

"Oh crap…" Negi muttered.

"Woah! That was amazing, Negi-sensei!"

"What do you call that?"

"You should have used it sooner!"

"W-we won't forget this!" Eiko cried as she abandoned the field her team following her and trying to get her clothes back on her.

Negi sighed. _I'll have to buy her new clothes…_

"WE TOTALLY ROCK!" 2-A cried.

"We beat the high school girls!"

"Three cheers for Negi!"

"Hip-hip, hurray!"

...

"Whoa, that was some match!" Akane said as she and some of the others walked back to the dorms later that day.

"Heh, those Dodgeball Martial Artists have some decent moves," Asuna commented.

"I wish I could have done more," Konoka said.

"Akane-san!" Ayaka called. "Could you please come with me for a moment? I need to speak to you."

Akane frowned, but shrugged. "Go on ahead guys," she said. "What's up, Iincho?"

Ayaka shook her head. "Not here. This way."

Confused, Akane followed Ayaka, who led her to a small field under the World Tree. It was pretty private, with no one else in sight. "Iincho?"

Ayaka faced the tree, away from Akane. "I know your secret, Tendo-san."

Akane started. "Look, it was an honest mistake, the floor was slippery and–"

"Wha– no, not that!" Ayaka said. "I know you're a Kampfer."

Akane froze. "No…"

Ayaka turned back to her, cat-slitted crimson eyes turning to regard the surprised Martial Artist. Ayaka's hair underneath had turned vivid green, similar to Chachamaru's. She smiled, raising her wrist for Akane to see. A red bracelet gleamed. "Did you know, Akane-san, that Red Kampfers fight Blue Kampfers…?"

Akane's own bracelet flared, his crimson hair framing his suddenly bishonen face fists clenched angrily. "Bring it on, bitch!" he cried, his M61 Vulcan appearing in his hands.

Ayaka smirked, holding out her hands. A pair of swords appeared. They both hummed, glowed and whirred. "An interesting theoretical exercise," Ayaka said. "What wins? A machine gun… or a pair of Energy Chainsaw Swords?" The energy blades hummed as she swung them experimentally, the toothed edges whirring. A chain connected the butt of each sword. "This should be interesting…"

"Die, bitch!"

"FOR THE LOLI!"

Battle commenced.

...

Nanoha sighed in relief as she sealed the Jewel Seed that had appeared at the Tatsumiya Shrine. "Well, looks like we're done, Yuuno-kun."

"I guess we can go–"

Some distance away, near the foot of the World Tree, explosion happened.

"What's that?" Nanoha said, surprised. "We'd better check it out!"

...

"No, I don't wanna be the dodgeball mascot!" Negi cried.

...

**- To be continued...**

...

A/N: I've always thought Signum reminded me a lot of Saber. Similar armors and personalities.

Negi complaining about child molesters… somewhere, a pillar of the Akamatsu-verse just collapsed.

Kampfer changes are fun!

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	4. Timey–Wimey Ball of Stuff

A/N: I HAVE MY OWN TVTROPES PAGE! ONE I DIDN'T MAKE MYSELF! **YES! **THE CAMPAIGN IS WORKING! **AOIRANN, **I LOVE YOU!

**Overmaster** has made his crack known. Now it's my turn…

...

Thirty Xanatos Pile-Up

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 4: Timey-Wimey Ball of Stuff

Disclaimer: I own none of these series. All of them belong to their respective owners. Some have probably been mutated beyond recognition. Please don't sue me.

...

"Counter Terrorists WIN!" Akane cried, his Vulcan spitting out bullets fast enough to cut down a tree. Well, a tree other than the World Tree.

Ayaka blocked, dodging what she couldn't. "Does anyone still play that?"

"Play what?" Akane asked.

Ayaka rolled her eyes.

"AH! What's going on here?" a familiar voice cried.

The two looked up. "Nanoha-chan?" Ayaka exclaimed, surprised. "What's with that dress? And… why are you floating?"

"Eh?" Nanoha cried, bewildered. "You can recognize me?"

Akane rolled his eyes. "Your face is showing, of course we recognize you! And those panties really don't suit you."

Nanoha gave a strangled cry and tried to hold down her skirt.

Ayaka turned to her. "We'll continue this some other time, Tendo-san." She turned and ran.

"Hey! Come back here, bitch!" Akane cried, pointing his gun.

"Ah! No! You can't shoot an un-protected person in the back!" Nanoha cried. "Divine Shooter!"

BOOM!

"Ah! I lost her! Who do you think you're messing with, bitch?" Akane cried, pointing her Vulcan at Nanoha. "I'm gonna perforate your ass!"

"Ah! Round Shield!"

Across the multiverse, multiple Nanohas got the disturbing feeling something was wrong with existence as Takamachi Nanoha of class 2-A found herself horribly outgunned.

...

Chao hated her nightly walk. She hated it about as much as the author trying to write Chao's full name, because he's never sure whether it should be Lingshen Chao or Chao Lingshen. Still, it was one of the things that needed to be done to preserve some semblance of sanity. Chao's nightly walk, not the author trying to write her full name. We'll stop breaking the fourth wall now.

The sun had long set, and Sakura Lane stood invitingly in front of her. The hefted the gym bag over her shoulder and checked her watch. Then she started to walk.

There was a crack of thunder, and she took a step back as a Delorean landed right were she'd have been. She took a sideways step out of instinctive long practice.

"Marty!" a frizzle-haired man cried, lunging out from the driver's seat. "You have to come back with me!"

Chao gently pushed him back into the car, leaning over to reprogram the machine. "Hello again, Doctor Brown."

"Oh, hello Chao dear. We really have to stop meeting like this," the old man said.

"I very much agree," Chao said. "Just drive on behind me, you should have enough room to his 88 miler per hour."

"Right!" the old inventor said. "See you later."

"God, I hope not," Chao muttered as he drove of, disappearing in fiery tire tracks. She resumed walking.

A sphere-shaped area in front of her began to warp. Chao reached into her bag. When she next looked up, a very sexy naked woman knelt there, staring at her with dead eyes.

Chao shot the T-X in the head and kept on walking as it collapsed behind her.

A police call box materialized in front of her, and a head stuck out. "Ah, hello young lady. Could you tell me where–?"

Chao kicked him back inside the police m\box and gently closed the door, patting it gently. "Nice to see you again, girl. Please get him away from me?"

The box vanished.

A weird special effect happened a few steps later, and Chao found himself facing a rather busty girl with nice hair. "Mikuru," Chao said, coolly. "Lost again?"

"She's been reading **Drunken Gognard**'s stuff," the Time-Traveller said, just as coolly. "It's been messing things up. Navigation is difficult, because of (Classified information)."

"One wonders why you don't just shoot her," Chao said.

"Kyon would be upset."

"Then just shoot him too."

"_She'd_ be upset."

"Shoot them both."

"You seem to mistake us for the cast of Evangelion or something."

They glared.

"Get out of my timeline," Chao said.

Mikuru sniffed. "Gladly. Bitch."

"Whore," Chao said as she faded away. She kept on walking.

There was a flare of light and a girl about her age with pink hair in two pointed buns with long tails trailing from them appeared. She smiled brightly. "Chao!"

"Usagi!" Chao cried just as happily.

There was another flare of light.

"Chao!" Usagi cried, reaching out her hand.

"Usagi!" Chao cried again, trying to reach her. Too late, the other girl had disappeared.

"DARN IT!" Chao cried. "Why can I never find love!-?"

A pink portal opened, and a red-haired woman stepped out, looking around in confusion. "Hey, where's the Rustbucket?"

"Hello, Gwendolyn," Chao said tiredly. "You're in Mahora again."

"Oh, sorry Chao. Didn't mean to bother you. Bye!" She stepped out again

A moment and several steps later, a gigantic bird of fire appeared, spitting out a gargoyle. "I hate that thing," Brooklyn grumled.

"Hey, Brooklyn."

"Chao? Shouldn't you be on Mars? I thought it was illegal for you to be on Earth?"

"Not at this point in time."

"Oh. That's cool."

Another gigantic bird of fire appeared again, ate the gargoyle, and exploded in flames.

Chao sighed, got the fire extinguisher from her bag, and put out the pile of flaming phoenix poo. "Inconsiderate bird," she muttered.

Several more steps later, a giant bubble-looking thing materialized in her path, with three teenagers inside it.

She kicked the base of the thing and they cried as they were sent hurtling through time again. "Piece of junk Time Institute gear," she muttered, walking on.

A man in blue and gold wearing golden goggles appeared, a golden machine orb floating at his side.

"Booster," Chao greeted.

"Chao," he said, greeting her right back.

"How's being the greatest hero no one's ever heard of?"

"Oh, you know. It sucks, everyone thinks you're a moron. How's being the world's most well-intentioned extremist?"

"I have my own chain of restaurants and am filthy rich."

"Damn you."

"Sir?" Skeets said.

"Oh, right. Got a spare battery?"

"Here."

"Thanks."

They disappeared.

Really, Chao hated her nightly walk…

...

"I'm _so_ sorry!" Akane repeated yet again in their room as she helped patch up Nanoha. "Really, I am! It's just that, well, my male form seems to be a hyper-violent psycho with misogyny problems who thinks violence should be used for every little thing! I'm _so_ sorry!"

"Really, it's all right, Akane-chan," Nanoha said, waving her off. "No one was hurt."

"But I shot at you!"

"Eh, no harm, no foul," Nanoha insisted. "You say that other girl was Iincho…?"

"I'm… not sure I should talk about it," Akane said.

"Akane, if TV has taught us nothing, it's that Magical Girls more often than not are idiots for not telling people around them what's going on," Nanoha said. "After all, umpity-billion fix fics can't be wrong."

"Yet I notice you didn't tell me, your roommate who you live with and can help you cover, about suddenly becoming a Magical Girl," Akane pointed out. "Does the ferret have anything to do with it?"

Nanoha frowned. "Well, you didn't tell _me_ when you became a Magical Girl!"

"I didn't have time to lead up to it, you ran off so fast this morning!" Akane said. "But at least I told my boyfriend and Asuna and Konoka!"

Nanoha sighed in defeat. "All right, you've got me."

Akane nodded in satisfaction. There was a brief moment of silence.

"So… why are you a Magical Girl?" Akane asked. "I'll tell you my reason if you tell me yours."

"Deal," Nanoha agreed.

"Well, I'm a Kampfer, and I have to fight other Kampfers who don't wear the same color bracelet I do," Akane said, showing Nanoha her blue bracelet. "That's it really."

Nanoha frowned. "Huh… not very righteous or standing much for truth, love and justice, is it?"

"And yours is any better?" Akane said.

"Well, I'm looking for the Jewel Seeds, 21 powerful gems that react to people's wishes and desires, each with possibly the power to destroy the world. I have to seal them before something bad happens," Nanoha said proudly.

Akane considered this. "Wow, that's actually pretty Magical Girly. Fine, your reason is better."

"Thank you."

"You're a moron for trying to accomplish it alone though. I'm helping."

"Hey!" Nanoha protested. "You're probably right, but there's not call to call me a moron! Besides, I'm not alone, I have Yuuno-kun helping me!"

In his basket, the ferret winced.

Akane turned to look at him. "The ferret," she said blandly. "I don't suppose he turns into some sort of giant combat ferret?"

"Well, he teaches me magic and can make shields!" Nanoha said. "So I have someone to help me and give me advise."

Akane sighed. "I'd say you're getting a better Magical Girl package…" she grinned. "But my gun is bigger than yours. Top THAT!"

"It's not the size, it's how you use it!" Nanoha protested.

They paused.

"That sounded so much less Freudian in my head," Akane said.

"Ditto."

...

A new day rose. It soon became obvious it should have stayed in bed.

"Look, who the hell are you?-!" Ranma cried as he dodged.

"Don't pretend innocent, Saotome!" the boy with the back pack, bandanna, and umbrella cried, slashing at him with said instrument. "You know perfectly well who I am! Now, I shall have my revenge for the humiliations you have laid upon me!"

"Seriously dude, I have no idea who you are!" Ranam cried, running away like any sane person would, making a beeline for the train station. "Help! Lunatic with an umbrella trying to kill me! Police! Campus security! Random altruistic martial artists! Magical Girls, even!"

"Coward!" the boy chasing him cried. "You dare bring other people into this, an honorable battle between men?"

"There are SO MANY THINGS wrong with what you just said, you sick freak!" Ranma cried, breezing past a startled Nanoha, Asuna, Akane and Konoka. Asuna blinked.

"Ryouga-kun?" she said.

"YOU DARE IMPUGN MY MANHOOD AND CALL MY A GIRLY-GIRL, SAOTOME?" Ryouga raged. "Perish now!"

"I never said anything of the sort, you nutcase!" Ranma screamed as he ran around the girls, his pursuer right behind him. "Someone help me here?"

Konoka put a finger on her cheek thoughtfully. "Don't call the violent person names, Ranma-kun!"

"NOT THE KIND OF HELP I WAS LOOKING FOR, KONOKA-CHAN!"

"Saotome-style special technique!" Asuna cried. "Sono-ue-de-dōsa-suru-baka-ga-torippu-ga-kare-no-kao-no-shuhō-ni-batan-to-taoreru-yō-ni-ashi-o-dasu!"

She stuck out her foot, and the moron running behind Ranma tripped over it, resulting in him falling flat on his face.

Akane, Nanoha and Konoka stared with absolutely deadpan faces. "Wow," Akane said, tone matching face. "What a truly terrifying technique perfectly worthy of such a name."

"It's exactly what it says on the tin," Nanoha agreed.

Asuna rolled her eyes, but put one foot hard on the fallen boy's back. "Ryouga-kun! What's the big idea just randomly attacking my brother out of the blue like that!"

At that moment, unknown to either of them, a bizarre series of events was set in motion. It is an event of such a ridiculous number of contrived coincidences that result in a Rube-Goldberg-esque sequence of events that describing it would render it completely unbelievable. Especially the chain involving the platypus, the Russian satellite and the vat of yogurt. It's results, however, are much more clear.

Water seemed to fall out of a clear blue sky, drenching Asuna and the boy both.

Fortunately, one of these bizarre series of events meant that everyone else was looking away staring as Saber and Signum dueled in the street, arguing about whether egg noodles, wheat noodles or Italian pasta was better, a duel that would soon be known as the Noodle Incident.

When the water washed away, a slim, dark-haired boy with his hair in a long tail held at the back of her neck was standing over a little girl with Ayanami Rei-blue hair, fox ears, tail, a now ridiculously big backpack, and an umbrella. Now over-sized clothes did not hide the fact she appeared to be wearing a full on loli-goth ensemble in vinyl, rubber, satin and lace.

For a moment, Ranma, and the girls just stared. The little girl's head turned slowly to stare up at Boy!Asuna. "_**Saotome…**_" she growled, and this time there was recognition in her voice. "It _is_ you, you cross-dressing deviant!"

"Ryouga…" Asuna said, thankful that his body was pretty much in proportion with his girl-self, though his bra was now a needless weight on his chest. "I take it you've been to Jusenkyo too?"

The little girl paused. "'Too'?" she said.

"Yeah, I looks like we both fell into the Spring of Drowned Girl–" Asuna was saying, before the girl under her barked a laugh.

"Spring of Drowned Girl? Spring of Drowned _Girl?_ I _wish_ I fell into something as nice as Spring of Drowned Girl!" the girl that used to be Ryouga ranted. "The world isn't so _nice_ as to let me fall into the Spring of Drowned Girl! Or even the Spring of Drowned Korean Poop Cartoon! No, I fell into the Spring of Drowned Shapechanging Lolicon Fetish Fuel Jailbait! AND IT'S ALL! _YOUR! __**FAULT!**_"

There was a horrified pause.

"Sucks to be you, man," Asuna said.

...

**- To be continued...**

...

A/N: In case you can't tell, Male!Akane has her fanon personality.

I _love_ Google Translate.

Ryouga's hair is a tribute to **Kenko**'s _**Girl Days**_ series, which I pray he still works on. I considered Ryouga falling into Spring of Drowned Inu-Yasha, Spring of Drowned Loli (normal), and things like Spring of Drowned Renamon, but nothing seemed evil enough…

Then I made THIS!

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	5. Chivalrous Pervert

A/N: Enjoy!

...

Thirty Xanatos Pile-Up

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 5: Chivalrous Pervert

Disclaimer: I own none of these series. All of them belong to their respective owners. Some have probably been mutated beyond recognition. Please don't sue me.

...

Negi sighed, slightly tired from having to give Illya that morning's… injection. As he called roll, he frowned. "Konoka-san, do you know why Asuna-san is absent?"

Konoka, Nanoha and Akane squirmed uncomfortably, though with the latter that might have had to do with the fact Ayaka was looking at her and smiling mysteriously. "Um, well, you see sensei," Nanoha hedged. "Asuna-san sort of met an old friend on the way to school, and h- er, _she_ insisted they catch up on old times and dragged Asuna off. She said she'd try to make it to class, but…" she gestured at where Asuna clearly wasn't.

Negi frowned. "Well, I guess it can't be helped. There's probably no harm in letting Asuna spend some time with an old friend."

As if to punctuate the stupidity of this statement, a ceiling tile fell on his head.

"Negi-sensei!" Ayaka cried in distress, completely forgetting to creep out Akane. She rushed to him as his eyes went all googly, holding him to her chest. "Negi-sensei, let me take care of you!"

There was dead silence.

Konoka sighed and rolled back her sleeves. "Damn you for making me do your responsibilities, Asuna," she said pulling out a card and reading it intently. Then she took a rolled-up newspaper from Asuna's desk, walked up to Ayaka and hit her in the head. The blonde's head jerked up in surprise.

"Creepy shota-con," Konoka read mechanically as everyone stared. "Get away from him, you unnatural pervert, what you're doing is illegal, stupid Ayaka." All this while she hit Ayaka over the head with her rolled-up newspaper.

"Konoe-san," Ayaka said. "What are you doing?"

"Oh, Asuna made me responsible for doing her duties while she's gone," Konoka said, sighing. "So troublesome. Anyway, here's the card she gave me if you did things to Negi-sensei. See?"

"Curse Asuna! Even when she's not here she cockblocks me!" Ayaka cried.

"What?" Negi asked, still bleary.

"I said, are you all right, Negi-sensei?" Ayaka cooed.

The bell rang.

"Oh, looks like I have to get to my next class," Negi muttered. He picked up his papers and tottered off.

About ten minutes past when class should have restarted, an embarrassed-looking man walked in. "Sorry I'm late class. Let's get started… now, where we last time?"

Several hands went up. "Chao," he said.

Chao stood. "Well, Doctor Oliver, we were–"

...

"–supposed to have a duel, you bloody coward!" Ryouga roared as she attacked Asuna around the base of the World Tree with her umbrella. "Yet you never showed up!"

"I waited for three days!" Asuna protested, dodging from the blows and trying to keep his skirt down, wishing he'd had time into change into pants. "_You_ didn't show up! It rained on the second day! Do you know how miserable I was waiting for you without an umbrella?"

"HOW DARE YOU CALL MY UMBRELLA AN EFFEMINATE WEAPON SUITED TO A GIRLY GIRL!" Ryouga cried in a voice that sounded kinda like Sanada Asami.

"YOU REALLY NEED TO HAVE YOUR EARS CHECKED, DUMBASS!" Asuna cried. "WHO ARE YOU, EDWARD ELRIC?"

"WHO?"

This was, Asuna considered, the best fight he'd had in three years…

...

"Hey, what's this?" Ranma said, looking into his shoe-locker at the end of the day. "An Entrail Animal…?"

Defenestrated Hamster stared up at him…

...

"They're still at it?" Akane said as she reached the World Tree.

Nanoha sighed. "Maybe we should do something?" she said gesturing to Raging Heart.

"Aw!" Konoka said. "Do we have to? Asuna looks like she's having fun!"

The other two girls watched as the technically-crossdressing boy fought the technically crossdressing loli.

"DIE, YOU BASTARD! BECAUSE OF YOU, I HAVE HAD TO LIVE IN AN UNSIGHTLY MANNER!"

"LET ME GUESS, YOU'RE AN AVENGER TOO, RIGHT?"

"HOW DARE YOU MOCK MY CALLING, YOU BASTARD!"

"DOBE!"

"This probably says very bad things about me as a person," Akane said. "But I don't know Asuna, my boyfriend's sort-of adopted sister, well enough to be able to tell."

"Proposition to solve problem," Raging Heart suggested.

"What?" Nanoha asked eagerly.

"Let's shoot them. Maximum Power."

Nanoha sighed. "Not helpful, but thanks for trying."

"Let the fools who oppose us be destroyed by the power that we alone possess!"

"You are no longer allowed to watch Slayers with me, Raging Heart."

"Warning! Incoming!"

"Huh?"

"HAUL ASS!"

Akane was barely able to push Nanoha and Konoka out of the way as the whirling bandanas Ryouga threw flew dangerously close to them. One passed by Akane's head…

Time seemed to stop.

Asuna and Ryouga were in mid-exchange when the ambient temperature around them seemed to drop like a stone. "Huh?" they both said, battle lust getting momentarily side-tracked.

"MY HAIR!"

Asuna's eyes went very wide. "Oh, shit…"

Ryouga slowly turned. The blue-haired girl was glaring at her, one eyebrow twitching, something held in her hands. She pointed at her. "YOU! You cut my hair! My boyfriend likes my hair the way it is! Not that I give a damn about what he likes, but still… YOU CUT MY HAIR! YOU DARED DEFILE A GIRL'S CROWNING GLORY!"

"Um, sorry miss?" Ryouga said, hesitantly. Had Akane been in any mood besides pissed, the sheer cuteness of Ryouga's apology, wearing oversized clothes, with loli-goth wear peeking out from under it, and her wide, sincere eyes would have instantly defused Akane's temper.

Unfortunately, her bracelet picked that exact moment to flash.

The male, red-headed Akane glared misogynistically at Ryouga-chan. "_**DIE, BITCH!**_" he cried, his M61 Vulcan appearing in his hands and letting rip.

"Akane, no!" Asuna cried, even as his body betrayed him, instinctively darting out of the line of fire.

There was a whirr like a chainsaw, distinct from the Vulcan's own cutting whir. The Vulcan opened fire.

Ryouga screamed in high-pitched, childish manner as supersonic bullets tore from the whirling barrel of the gun.

There was a flash of light, a pair of hums, and suddenly the ground around Ryouga and her protector was tearing up like sand under a tornado.

Ryouga, who had by some instinct curled into a ball with her arms over her head, blinked as she realized she wasn't being perforated. She looked up.

A tall girl in Mahora uniform loomed above her protectively, long blonde hair interspersed with vivid green strands. Both skirt and hair fluttered in the wind as the Vulcan momentarily ceased firing.

"_HOW DARE YOU!_" Ryouga's mysterious protector cried as she stared up, wide eyed, noting in passing that she could see the girl's underwear, a dark, lacy number about four square inches of fabric removed from a thong. "Senseless violence is unbecoming on an honorable warrior, Tendo Akane, but violence against children is completely unforgivable! You, who dare to defile the sweet, innocent bloom of maidenly womanhood with your overly compensating phallic weapon, are a blight upon this Earth and a dishonor to this school! For your crimes against loli, I will–"

"Oh, shut up," Akane snapped, his gun blasting.

The mysterious girl cut-off mid speech, the long, glowing, whirring blades in her hands spinning in a complicated and physics defying dance of implausible fencing skills as she deflected the bullets moving several times the speed of sound.

"Akane, stop!" Nanoha cried. Her clothes had changed to a white dress, and she was now holding a long staff. "Raging Heart, _Bind_!"

Akane's limbs suddenly locked as Asuna darted from the side, his leg kicking up to snap the big fucking gun out of Akane's grip. The gunfire stopped as the weapon was knocked away.

In the instant, a length of chain snapped into Akane's face.

_"YOU INTERRUPTED MY SPEECH!_" the mysterious girl cried. "Who does that?-! I was going to go easy on you, Tendo, despite your heinous crime against all things good and pure and loli, but for this insult, you _SUFFER!_"

The charged, twin glowing blades in hand, but Asuna darted in front of her, grabbing one arm. He twisted, and the mysterious girl cried out, dropping one sword, contorting awkwardly as that arm was twisted behind her.

"I don't know who you are," Asuna said, "But–"

"_HONORLESS DOG!_" Ryouga suddenly cried, tackling Asuna from behind. "_LEAVE HER ALONE!_"

"Ah! Ryouga, stop it, things are getting squashed!"

"_HOW DARE YOU CALL ME A LITTLE BUG TO BE SQUASHED!_"

"_SERIOUSLY, YOU REALLY NEED TO GET YOUR EARS CHECKED!_"

The mysterious girl, having recovered her balance and her sword, meanwhile continued her charge at the bound Akane, only for Nanoha to step into her path. She slowed. "Out of my way, Takamachi-san."

Nanoha shook her head. "Sorry, but I can't let you just hurt Akane-san! Iincho-san! Is that really you?"

Slitted crimson eyes twinkled as Ayaka smiled. "Has Tendo-san been a tattle-tale, Takamachi-san? Step out of my path. You, of all people, should understand my outrage."

Nanoha blinked. "What? No, I don't understand! How could you possibly attack Akane-san?-!"

"Pfft!" Ayaka 'pfft'-ed dismissively. "That is merely the means to an end. I would have though you would understand my _cause_. I can smell it in you! We are alike, you an I."

Nanoha frowned. "We're both magical girls, true, but–"

"Not that!" Ayaka said, as Asuna and Ryouga resumed their battle in the background. "I know your secret desires! Just as Haruna-san is possessed of the divine gift to smell the love-reek, a scent which she likens to rotting candied almonds, I, too, posses a sense when I am a Kampfer. It emanates from you, the sweet flavor of candy floss and salty milk!"

Off to the side, Konoka fiddled with her cellphone camera.

"Konoka-san, make sure to get my good side!" Ayaka called.

"Don't worry, Iincho!" Konoka said. "My cousin Tomoyo taught me all about this! Just keep on going!"

Nanoha sweatdropped, then shook herself out of it as Ayaka continued speaking.

"I can smell it, Nanoha-san," Ayaka said, a strange Hannibal Lecter-esque tone to her voice. "You act all sweet and innocent, but in truth, you posses in you the desire for sweet, pure divinity!"

"I-I have no idea what you're talking about, Ayaka-san!" Nanoha retorted.

"Don't bother to deny it, Nanoha-chan!" Ayaka cried. "You feel it in your soul even now! Your eyes follow the little blue-haired angel behind me, drinking in her graceful innocent beauty! You feel the call! The call… of the lolicon!"

"PERVERT!" Akane cried from behind her from where he was still stuck in Nanoha's binding.

Without looking, Nanoha snapped Raging Heart onto Akane's head, before her eyes went wide as she realized what she'd done. "Sorry, Akane-san!"

"Bitch!" Akane roared, struggling to free himself. "When I get my hands on you, it's bitch-rapin' time!"

"Honestly, such a limited vocabulary," Ayaka said. She extended her hand. "Join me, Nanoha-san! Join the loli side, and together, we can honor the pure, prepubescent paragons of beauty together!"

"I-I d-don't know what you mean, Iincho," Nanoha said, taking a battle stance. "But I can't allow you to hurt Akane-san!"

Ayaka sighed. "Then it seemed I have to go through you, Nanoha-san."

She dashed forward, blades ready.

"Divine Shooter!" Nanoha cried, three pink spheres of energy lashing forward from the end of her staff. Ayaka easily diverted two with her blades and dodged the third, getting well within Nanoha's defenses. Her fist rose up, the butt of one of her swords rising to strike Nanoha in the abdomen.

Nanoha gave a pained grunt, and suddenly exploded into smoke, leaving only her white dress behind.

"Wha–?" Ayaka managed to blurt out, before the clothes fell on her, obscuring her vision.

"Nanoha-style ninja technique!" Nanoha's voice cried. "Club to the head!"

Something slammed into Ayaka's skull, sending stars exploding in front of her eyes. She slashed wildly, and felt her sword briefly push against something even as Nanoha's voice cried "Round Shield!" She managed to pull the dress off her head, only for it to dissolve, and managed to catch a brief glimpse of Nanoha, clad only in white panties and bandages around her chest, before the white dress reformed around her. The staff in her hands was pointing right at the blonde. "Divine Shooter!"

This time, Ayaka was completely unprepared, the three balls striking her hard and sending her flying. She heard a cry, and felt a soft form catch her before she struck the ground. "Hey, Nee-san!" the soft, divine voice behind her said. "Are you all right?"

She blinked, focusing on the pale-haired girl who'd caught her. "I think we need to go for now," she said, quickly getting to her feet. "You shall pay some other day, Akane-san! Come, beautiful darling."

"Wha–?" was all Ryouga managed to get out before she was suddenly being carried bridal style by a swiftly accelerating Kampfer. Something inside her made her instinctively cling to her carrier, burying his face in her chest. "Ah!" Then she realized what she was doing and pulled back, face burning. She glared over Ayaka's shoulder. "Damn you Saotome! We will meet again! And I _will_ make you _pay_!"

"That's nice…" Ayaka murmured distractedly, while one hand curled up and was unconsciously fondling Ryouga's chest…

They quickly lost sight of any pursuit, which might have had something to do with the fact Akane had somehow magicall regained her Vulcan and was firing randomly, making it necessary that Nanoha and Asuna stop her. Reaching a convenient rooftop, Ayaka turned to her rescuee. "Are you all right, darling girl?"

Ryouga twitched slightly, but such comments didn't seem to irritate her as much coming from a girl. "Um, yeah, I'm good. Only…"

"Only what, sweet thing?" Ayaka asked, smiling benignly down at her.

"Could you please stop touching my chest? It's a bit… uncomfortable."

"OH!" Ayaka said in surprise, as if noticing what she was doing for the first time. "I'm _so_ sorry."

"That's all right," Ryouga reassured her.

There was a pause.

"Seriously, you can stop it. And can you please put me down now?"

Ayaka reluctantly put the girl down, before kneeling and taking her hands. "Are you all right, pretty child? You weren't hurt by that horrible ruffian, were you?"

"N-no, I'm okay," Ryouga reassured her.

"Are you sure? If there is any assistance I can provide, any at all, just ask, my little nymphet!" Ayaka proclaimed.

Anyone else would have been creeped out. However, a combination of functional sociopathy and Magical Jusenkyou Fetish Fuel instincts was preventing Ryouga from catching on. "Well, I don't suppose you know where I can find a boarding house?" Ryouga asked. "You see, I just got into town and–"

"Into town? Where are your parents, or some kind of guardian?" Ayaka interrupted. There was a strange glint in her slitted red Voldemort eyes. "Surely a little thing such as yourself wouldn't be traveling… alone? Unaccompanied?"

"I haven't seen my parents in a long time," Ryouga said, looking downcast. Waves of utter Woobiedom emanated from her.

"Oh, you poor thing!" Ayaka cried. "I can't let you go to some boarding house by yourself! It could be dangerous! Why, if some degenerate were to realize you were alone and defenseless, they might take it into their minds to break into your room and… and hold you down as they begin to strip the clothes from your body while you cutely struggle in vain…" A line of drool began to trickle down. "And then they might… might restrain you with ropes and blindfolds as they tie you to the bed and insert themselves in your frail, trembling form, pleasuring themselves as you cry, taking you again and again…" She wiped the drool from her mouth. "No, I cannot let that happen! You shall be the guest of I, Yukihiro Ayaka, until we can find some way to contact your parents and return you to them!"

Ryouga's eyes were wide, and she was twitching slightly.

Ayaka put her hands on the smaller girl's shoulders, smiling widely. "It's very lucky for you that you ran into me…"

...

Chachamaru knelt down as she fed her cats, looking up as a pair of shadows fell over her. "Oh, hello Fate-san, Arf-san. How nice to see you again."

"Hey, Chacha," Arf said negligently, waving.

"Chachamaru-san," little ten year-old Fate greeted, bowing. "We've come to play with your cats before we began our search."

Chachamaru nodded. "Please be gentle with them. They are fragile…"

...

"Shizuna-sensei," Konoemon said. "I believe it is time to give Negi-kun a proper test of his abilities…"

...

An American phone booth appeared out of nowhere, with an antenna on top. Two guys stuck their heads out and paused, realizing they were staring down the barrel of a big gun. "Oh, hey Chao."

Chao nodded. "Back in. Away you go."

Moments later, the phone booth disappeared.

Chao sighed, putting down the mishmash of random plumbing parts. "Damned Bill and Ted…"

...

"Damn it Saber!" Rin cried. "Quit messing around with Signum-san so we can go home!"

Next to her, Vita sighed. "I'm missing ice-cream for this."

"I'm missing really good sex for this," Rin growled. "By the time she's done, Saber will be so tired she'll only last until two o'clock."

The two sighed.

"Stupid swordswomen," Rin grumbled over the sound of clashing blades

"Too self-absorbed," Vita agreed.

They sighed again, and sat down to wait.

"Here's the new manga I told you about," Rin said, handing it over.

"Thanks," Vita said, and they both settled down to read.

...

**- To be continued...**

...

A/N: Chachamaru will not give rise to Skynet. She might, however, give rise to Sexaroids…

Ayaka plus Ryouga… hmm…

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	6. Obligatory Fetch Quest

A/N: I'm making a relationship text upgrade here. No more just subtext and innuendo.

...

Thirty Xanatos Pile-Up

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 6: Obligatory Fetch Quest

Disclaimer: I own none of these series. All of them belong to their respective owners. Some have probably been mutated beyond recognition. Please don't sue me.

...

Chizuru looked at the little cat-eared girl sleeping on Ayaka's bed and sighed. "Ayaka-san, we won't have the police dropping in to check up on us, will we? Or the zoo?"

A more normal, non-Kampfered Ayaka blushed. "I admit, I was under the influence of my bracelet when I did this," she said. "But I can hardly leave her alone, Chizuru! She has no one! And I have faith that you'll curb any… excessive… behavior on my part when I am in Kampfer form."

Chizuru sighed, her own blue bracelet clattering down her wrist as she leaned her cheek on her knuckles. "All right. But please be more careful with Akane-san next time, Ayaka. You might have hurt her."

Ayaka sniffed dismissively. "I had the situation well in hand."

"Still," Chizuru said. "We wouldn't want the Moderators to become suspicious. If they note a high number of Kampfer battles, but no fatalities…"

"I know, Chizuru-san, I know," Ayaka said. She stretched. "Well, I better take a bath. Can you find something to hide her ears?"

Chizuru nodded as Ayaka wandered off, her own small smile never fading. _Exactly as planned…_

...

In his dreams, Negi dreamed of blood, and fire, and snow…

"_FATHER!_"

Negi's eyes snapped open, and he'd have bolted upright if someone hadn't had a firm grip on him.

Next to him, Saber's eyes were already open, her bare shoulders seeming to shine in what little light there was. "A bad dream?" she said.

Negi sighed, allowing himself to relax against her. "A… bad memory," he said. He'd long learned the futility of trying to directly lie to a woman who had protected her country as much with politics as the sword. A good part of her guilt stemmed from not having directed those same instincts inward to her own country. Still, he was glad she never truly pressed if he gave an honest answer.

She wrapped an arm around him, and he closed his eyes for a moment, enjoying the enfolding warmth. Briefly, Saber wondered if this was what it felt to be a mother. To know that a small, innocent, helpless life was depending on you to protect and comfort it, to reassure it that the world was all right… she'd never really begrudged Guinevere's affair with Lancelot, even though it had lend to ruin, but she wondered if this feeling was what her 'consort' had sought. She felt she understood better now…

Of course, Negi was hardly helpless, as their battle with Berserker had proved, nor– and she blushed– was he really innocent anymore, but he _was_ small, and that had to count for something.

The two lay like that, enjoying each other's company. Finally, Negi's slightly muffled voice said, "Why aren't you with Rin? Not that I mind you here, but after how she dragged you home, I'd have thought…" He blushed a bit more.

So did Saber. Honestly, there were probably underlying similarities that had caused her to be summoned to him beyond having Avalon as a catalyst. "Illya went to complain about how we were being too loud, one thing led to another, and I was able to leave to have a drink of water."

"Ah," Negi said. "I was wondering why Illya-chan wasn't here."

Saber nodded. "Then I saw you seemed to be having a nightmare, and thought you might want company."

They lay there for a moment.

"Thank you," Negi said.

Saber nodded. "It is my duty as a Servant to protect my Master," she said solemnly. Then she smiled. "And as a friend, I couldn't just leave you alone. Try to get back to sleep, Negi. You have work tomorrow, and a growing boy needs his rest."

Negi closed his eyes, resting his head on Saber's chest. Saber held the young boy in her arms, no longer as conscious of their nudity as she used to be, humming a tune Guin used to sing as she tried to drift off herself. Soon, his breathing evened out as he slipped into sleep…

...

Rin looked up from the breakfast Leysritt and Sella had prepared as Illya stomped to the table, her robe barely closed as she sat and began eating. "What's wrong? Negi not 'up' to it?"

"Stupid Saber," Illya muttered. "I need my injection!"

Rin rolled her eyes. "Oh, let it go, will you? If Saber felt like a little Negi, who are we to begrudge her that?"

Illya snorted. "They're doing it wrong! You'd think they'd be better at this by now, but they still act like they have no idea what they're doing! They're all blushing and giggling and laughing and hugging and ruffling his hair more often that fucking! It's got to be Saber! Negi always seems to know what he's doing with me!"

"Saber knows what she's doing," Rin said, compelled to defend her girlfriend's– such as the term was, in this household– honor. "It's just that she really doesn't see Negi as a lover in the traditional sense, and Negi's _still _a kid, after all. I think it's cute. Besides, he really doesn't see much point to sex beyond transferring mana and curing you, so this is basically just for Saber's sake. And goodness knows how _she _can be such a prude about some things. You've slept with her, after all."

Illya smiled a little at that. "Sleeping with me and Negi is prudish?"

Rin rolled her eyes. "You know what I mean."

From Negi's room, a giggle rose. "Hey, stop that! That tickles!"

The two at the kitchen exchanged glances and went on eating…

...

"Negi-sensei," Shizuna said, handing Negi an envelope as Sakurako and Yuuna walked off, while in the classrooms around them, students studied frantically. "The headmaster wanted me to give this to you…"

...

As the Baka Rangers were stripped naked by Baseball Janken, Negi reflected that maybe some magic was in order. After all, he didn't want them to fail, and really, it was for their own good…

But…

No. He couldn't use magic like that. No matter how he tried to justify it, that fact was he'd be using magic, dangerous mind-warping magic, for his own selfish ends. Granted, that probably woldn't stop someone like Rin, or any member of the Magus association, a fact that had caused more than one violent incident between magus and mage.

Such temptation… it was like facing the Grail all over again as it offered him… well, everything and anything. He had to stop it. it seemed the best way to deal with it would be to temporarily seal his magic. After all, best to remove the cause of temptation, right?

...

"Asuna, Asuna, it's terrible!" Konoka cried as she, Yue and Haruna walked into the baths, where Asuna was studiously sticking as close to the hot water as she could as she, the other Baka Rangers, Akane and Nanoha bathed. "There's a rumor that the class tat places will be broken up, and that the really bad people will be sent back to go through elementary school again!"

"What!-?" Asuna and Makie cried.

"The class right now is pretty fun," Konoka said. "It'll be awful if it gets broken up."

"This is bad!" Makie cried. "It's the three of us that's holding the class back. Even if we study to the death, we won't be able to make it by the time exams come!"

"Just as I thought," Yue said, sipping from her carton of Salty Milk. "The only thing left to do is to look for _that_…"

"'That'?" the others repeated.

"I don't think losing our virginities is going to help much, Yue," Haruna said. "Though it'll probably be pretty fun looking for _that_…"

"Baka!" Akane cried, slapping hot water at Haruna as she blushed furiously.

"No, Haruna," Yue said. "You guys know about Library Island, right?"

"We've been here for years and occasionally have to do research, yes we know," Akane said. "Really Yue, only a total moron wouldn't know about Library Island…"

"What's Library Island?" Asuna asked.

"… well, my point still stands," Akane muttered.

"It is said," Yue said, "that there is a magic book there that can increase your intelligence when you read it!"

"You mean you have a Tome of Understanding in the Library?" Makie cried in surprise.

"No, that raises your Wisdom," Kaede said. "She must mean a Tome of Leadership and Influence."

"No, that raises Charisma," Nanoha said. "It's a Tome of Clear Thought that raises Intelligence."

The others stared at them. "What are you talking about?" Akane asked.

They looked a bit embarrassed. "We play D&D with Eva-chan at least once a week," Nanoha said.

"My wizard has an Int score of over 26!" Makie said proudly.

"Wow, that's really a fantasy world," Haruna said.

Asuna stood still, considering that. A magic book… for making them smarter? She could see Akane and Nanoha were having the same thoughts…

"_**LET'S GO!**_" she cried.

...

_RING!_

_Click._

"Hello, Miyazaki residence. Oh, hello Yue-chan! Oh, yes, Nodoka's still here. Hang on."

Shamal lowered the phone a little. "Nodoka-chan, Yue's on the phone for you!"

Nodoka rolled her wheelchair over, picking up the phone. "Hey, Yue! Oh? Oh? Oh! OH! okay, I'll meet you there."

The four knights looked at her as she put down the phone. "I have to go and meet Yue-chan for a class emergency," she said. "We're going to Library Island"

"Library Island?" Vita exclaimed. "At this time of night?"

"We should come with you, Nodoka-chan," Shamal said.

"It's not really necessary," Nodoka said. "I'm not going in, I'll just help direct them. Although…" she paused. "Yes, maybe you should come along. I'd feel better if one of you went with my friends…"

...

Negi blinked sleepily as he, the Baka Rangers, Signum, Akane, Vita, Saber, Nanoha, and the Library Island Exploration Club, 2-A division, stood before the Investigation Department's special entrance, the cold water of the lake lapping near their feet. Asuna eyed the water warily, as if it intended to jump up and drag her under.

Signum carrying Nodoka in her arms while Vita handled the wheel chair, nodded at Saber. "Saber-san."

Saber nodded right back. "Signum-san."

Everyone could practically _feel_ the air between them crackling with tension.

"Do you two know each other?" Haruna asked.

"Yes," they chorused, their gazes not breaking.

Nodoka sighed, face slightly red in embarrassment at her position, especially in front of Negi-sensei. "Signum, be nice," she chided the knight.

"Saber, no fighting," Negi said, turning to his own Servant.

The two women seemed to wilt slightly at the respective chides, pulling their gazes away. The others were visibly confused by the amount of authority Negi and Nodoka had over their ostensible 'guardians'. They were a bit used to it with Nodoka, since it was obvious her guardians and Vita were quite fond of her, but Negi…?

"Hey, Vita-chan!" Nanoha said, smiling pleasantly at the red-haired knight. "It's been a while. Here, let me give you a hand with that."

"Hey, Nanoha," Vita said, waving a hand lazily as she let the girl help her with the wheelchair. "How's your family?"

They exchanged pleasantries as they stepped into the library, Saber and a sleepy Negi taking up the rear as they descended down a spiral staircase.

"You really shouldn't have let them convince you to join such a wild goose chase, Negi," Saber said as they descended. "You need your sleep. You still have class tomorrow, and I believe you said a major examination was upcoming."

"Oh, it's all right, Saber," Negi said. "The girls believe this 'magic book' can help, and I don't see the harm in indulging a little field trip. At least they're showing enthusiasm."

"Negi, the day your students don't show enthusiasm is the day Gilgamesh learns to be humble and joins a priesthood," Saber said.

Negi chuckled. "Probably."

They reached the bottom of the stairs, the library proper, and Negi stopped dead in his tracks, staring at the room beyond. Saber, who was by no means a bibliophile, felt her jaw drop in amazement.

"Oh my…" she breathed.

"Nodoka damn me…" Signum swore, just as stunned.

"Yes?" Nodoka said, turning to look at her knight.

"Oh, nothing Nodoka-chan, just thinking of something else…"

It was… big. Very big. Calling it big was actually an understatement. Calling it big was like calling Rin a nymphomaniac, or Ayaka a shota– or, depending on her mood, loli– -con, or Gilgamesh 'slightly' self-absorbed, or Asuna a little paranoid when it came to water…

"Ah, seeing the looks on library virgins' faces never gets old," Haruna laughed, though quietly. The room seemed to take in her words and eat them, it was so big. Did we mention how big it was?

"I feel like I'm forgetting something…" Nanoha said.

(_In his basket in her room, Yuuno slept, completely ignorant of what he was missing. It would later take him days to forgive Nanoha for not telling him about Library Island sooner.)_

"This is the 3rd basement floor," Yue explained as Haruna, Konoka and Nodoka began setting up a command station. "Students are allowed to go this far. For where we're going, however, you need to be accompanied by the Library Exploration Club."

"Oh, wow!" Negi said, moving over to a shelf. "Would you look at this! Look, Saber, it's a copy of 'Uzumaki Harry'! They only printed a few of these…"

"Sensei, don't!" Nodoka cried. "Some of the shelves are–"

An arrow shot out from between two books, streaking towards Negi, the words 'Piffle Princess Tactical Atomic Arrow' written on its purple side. In a flash, Saber was there, pulling Negi out of the way just as Nanoha and Kaede both caught the arrow at the same time.

"– booby-trapped," Nodoka finished.

"You need to watch your step," Yue said as Kaede raised an eyebrow at Nanoha, who blushed and let go. "That's why you need a club member to act as a guide beyond this point. Sometimes the traps are reactivated at night, to deal with intruders. Don't worry though, you'll be all right as long as you stick close to me and Konoka."

"We're pros at this!" Konoka said brightly.

"And for added security, Vita-chan will be going with you," Nodoka said. "She sometimes spends club-time with me, so she knows the library pretty well for a non-club member."

Saber frowned. "If it's so dangerous, perhaps I should go as well."

"Eh, no need to worry about our little teacher, Saber-san," Asuna said, smiling widely and putting an arm around Negi. "We'll get him back to you in one piece."

"It's all right, Saber," Negi said. "It's just a library."

Saber raised an eyebrow, looking at the arrow Kaede had given back to Nodoka to deal with, and was even now being put in a lead-lined box.

"Well, I can't be any worse than our stay at Fuyuki," Negi amended.

Saber sighed, but conceded. "Do not dawdle," she admonished. "You all need your sleep."

And so, the Great Library Magic Book Quest Commenced!

As the search party moved off to parts unknown, Signum walked over to an unobtrusive length of shelf. Leaning against it casually, she said, "Shouldn't you be following Konoka-san?"

On the other side, Setsuna froze. "I have no idea what you're talking about," she said, deadpan. "I'm just doing some late night research."

"Ah," Signum said. "Well, perhaps I was mistaken."

"Yes, you were," Setsuna said.

"Well, whatever," Signum said. "I wonder if Asuna would take this opportunity confess her feelings to Konoka-san?"

Setsuna's back straightened.

"Ah, I'm probably misconstruing things," Signum said. "After all, I don't see them all that often. Haruna's rumors are likely to be completely untrustworthy."

"Yes," Setsuna growled. "Untrustworthy…"

Signum smiled as she walked away, picking up a book to read as she sat down next to Nodoka to wait. _All according to plan…_

...

There were trap doors. There were falling shelves. There were gaps in between the shelves they walked on top of. Makie nearly plunged to her death, but was saved by her amazing gymnastics skills. Finally, after many turns, they reached their destination.

"Behold!" Yue said, pointing to a raised platform where a book rested. "Our prize!"

They all stared at the plain brown book that rested there, looking so unobtrusive, yet with a strange eldritch feeling to it, neither good nor evil, merely powerful. "Wow…" everyone said.

"At last, our search is over!" Asuna cried. "Passed exams and top of the class, here we come!"

"Get it!" Makie said, and the Baka Rangers all rushed forward.

Konoka, meanwhile was perusing their map. "Hang on everyone!" she said, and they all screeched to a halt. "It looks like we took a wrong turn at crossing 29.4AT ½. That's not the book we're looking for."

"It's not?" Akane said.

"No, it's not," Konoka said. "That's something called the Book of Not-Quite-Destiny."

Negi's eyes widened. "The Book of Not-Quite-Destiny!" he said. "I've heard of that! It's a truly powerful magic book which is a copy of the TRUE Book of Destiny! It holds a shadow of the secrets of the universe! Whoever holds it would be unstoppable, capable of ruling the world!"

"Wow!" Ku said. "Is real magic book?"

"But what does it do for your brain power?" Asuna asked.

"Well, nothing really–"

"Konoka! Where to?"

There were revolving shelves. There were sections flooded with cold water, though fortunately Asuna had a raft, even though she was too paranoid to share. There were foxes walking around. They were nearly attacked by a Mimic shaped like a pile of dictionaries, but fortunately Vita was able to drive it off before anyone noticed. Finally, after many turns, they reached their destination.

"Behold!" Yue said, pointing to a raised platform where a book rested. "Our prize!"

They all stared at the plain brown book that rested there, looking so unobtrusive, yet with a strange eldritch feeling to it, neither good nor evil, merely powerful. "Wow…" everyone said.

"At last, our search is over!" Asuna cried. "Passed exams and top of the class, here we come!"

"Get it!" Makie said, and the Baka Rangers all rushed forward.

"Hold it!" Konoka said, and they all screeched to a halt. "That's not it either. I think our compass got turned around near the Shelf 323 to 367 magnetic anomaly phenomenon. That's not he book we're looking for either. That's the Claire Bible."

Negi's eyes widened. "The Claire Bible!" he said. "I've heard of that! It's a truly powerful magic book which contains many powerful magical secret! Whoever holds it would be unstoppable, capable of ruling the world!"

"Wow!" Makie said. "Another real magic book!"

"But it doesn't help brain power, right?" Asuna asked.

"Well…"

"Konoka! Where to next?"

There was a weird ceiling that never seemed to move. There was a giant squid flopping around, for some reason. There was a trunk on hundreds of little legs hunting kick stools. There was a helpful Orangutan who gave them directions and accepted a bunch of bananas from Konoka as payment. Finally, after many turns, they reached their destination.

"Behold!" Yue said, pointing to a raised platform where a book rested. "Our prize!"

They all stared at the dark book that rested there, looking so unobtrusive, yet with a strange eldritch feeling to it, neither good nor evil, merely powerful. "Wow…" everyone said.

"At last, our search is over!" Asuna cried. "Passed exams and top of the class, here we come!"

"Get it!" Makie said, and the Baka Rangers all rushed forward.

"Ahem," Konoka said, and they all screeched to a halt. "Still not it guys. That's the Octavo. I think the Librarian gave us wrong directions."

Negi's eyes widened. "The Octavo!" he said. "I've heard–"

"Real magic book?" Asuna asked.

"Well, _yes_, it can–"

"Increased brain power?"

"Well, no–"

"NEXT!"

"Asuna, keep it down," Nanoha chided. "We're in a library."

"Sorry."

There was a giant rolling ball they had to run away from. There was a corridor of darts they barely dodged, though Nanoha cheated by making a shield. There was a pit they had to swing over one at a time, with the rolling ball right behind them. There as a short misunderstanding with a guy in a fedora with a whip over a crystal skull and a large-breasted woman with a braid and two guns.

Finally, after many turns, they reached their destination.

"Behold!" Yue said, a vein popping on her wide forehead, pointing to a raised platform. "Our prize!"

They all stared at the blank spot where a book should be, where it would looked unobtrusive, yet with a strange eldritch feeling to it, neither good nor evil, merely powerful. "Wow…" everyone said, staring at the empty spot.

Konoka frowned, scratching her head as she consulted the map. "According to this, the Book of Darkness should be here. I can't understand why it's gone."

Vita whistled innocently.

"Maybe someone borrowed it?" Kaede suggested.

Konoka shrugged. "That's probably it. Come on, I think I know where we went wrong, we should have taken a left at the Albuquerque section…"

There were English spies. There was an organization of cloners. There was a rain of chocolate frogs and jelly beans.

"Oh, hello Doctor Oliver!" Negi greeted as they passed a lost-looking man in green, white and red. "What brings you here tonight?"

"Oh, just checking out dinosaur books," Tommy Oliver said. "You guys?"

"We're looking for a magic book to increase our brain power!" Makie said.

"Cool. Well, be careful! Don't release any forces of evil!"

"We won't!" they promised him.

They passed an effeminate looking man having tea. They almost set off an avalanche of books when Akane tried to Yodel. Finally, they reached their destination.

"BEHOLD, DARN IT!" Yue said, one eyebrow twitching as she pointed. A book lay where she pointed. Everyone looked at Konoka. She checked her map.

"Book of the Silver Cross," she said apologetically. Yue gave a barely-strangled cry of fury.

They stopped at reading room 178 to have a snack as Yue frantically triple-checked their instruments, grumbling about the budget and how Chao wouldn't sell them cheap GPS units and whose idea was it to use sextant navigation in a place with no stars or sun. Konoka unpacked sandwiches and they all ate.

They crossed over several high shelves. There was more water, where Asuna wouldn't share her raft again. There was a crawlspace.

Yue popped open a trapdoor and pointed. "BEHOLD!"

From behind, her, Akane's muffled voice said, "Yue, you're kind blocking the way. All we're beholding is your rather adult underwear."

Yue blushed and scrambled out of the way, and they all got out. "BEHOLD!"

Negi gasped. "The Melusedek!"

"Does it jack up brain power?" Asuna interrupted.

"That's barely a warm-up for it!"

"_**GET IT!**_"

They rushed towards the platform, only to fall as the bridge they were crossing opened, depositing them in… a Twister Board (ver 10.5)?

The two statues flanking the book came to life, moving in front of it and crossing their weapons protectively. Vita tensed, her hard aching for Graf Eisen, while Akane debated the merits of going Kampfer and Nanoha wondered if she should use Raging Heart.

"**All who seek the knowledge here, answer my questions without fear…**" one of the statues rumbled.

Everyone blinked.

"**What is the airspeed of an unladen swallow?**"

"Wait, I know this one!" Makie cried confidently. "African or European?"

There was a pause.

"**Nice try, thanks for playing,**" the statue said, and the Twister Board collapsed under them, causing them to fall into the deep pit, the whole platform, statues, book and all, falling with them.

"_Stupid infrastructure budget cuts!_" Yue cried as they fell.

"_Weren't we supposed to play Twister?_" Ku asked.

And then, there was blackness…

...

"Everyone!" Nodoka cried into the radio. "Everyone, please respond!"

Those around her, Haruna, Saber, Signum and a hidden Setsuna all listened, tense, having heard the sounds of rubble falling and screams. Saber growled turning to Nodoka. "I don't have time for this!" she said, grabbing the map on the table and storming off, rushing deeper into the library.

"Saber-san, no!" Nodoka called out. "Signum, go with her! It's dangerous down there."

Signum nodded, and raced after the running Servant, finding she actually had to engage her flight slightly to catch up. "Haruna, I'm charging you with Konoka's safety. If we don't come out, call Shamal and get Nodoka home!" She disappeared amongst the shelves.

A heartbeat later, a stir in the air announced Setsuna had joined the other two…

...

**- To be continued...**

...

A/N: The XxXholic chapter 208 colored cover of Watanuki, Maru and Moro is very lolicon. What are CLAMP working on? Tsubasa's done, so why the long wait between updates? Watanuki, by the way, is turning so uke. I liked him better when he went on random rages and yelled a lot. Never mind they're demonstrating how strong he's gotten since the time skip. Time-skips are becoming really popular, aren't they?

Not that I should be one to talk, since my schedule slip is something of a joke, but still, there's at least five of them, and only one of me! What's their excuse?

I have a very specific image of Negi's relationships with the Fate girls. Now, if I can just get that across…

Was just going through the bonus material at the end of volume 2 of Negima, and in the notes on Ayaka's character design, there's a scribble about the 'time machine trio of villains'. WE'VE HAD META CLUES ABOUT THE FESTIVAL ARC AS EARLY AS THAT!

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


	7. Breather Episode

A/N: Yes, it's been a while. Be glad you're not waiting for updates to Raikiri Triken…

...

Thirty Xanatos Pile-Up

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 7: Breather Episode

Disclaimer: I own none of these series. All of them belong to their respective owners. Some have probably been mutated beyond recognition. Please don't sue me.

...

_The books flew past me as I ran, Yuunagi in my hands, the weight of the sword bringing me no comfort. To either side, the trumped up nannies followed, surprisingly managing to keep up. It didn't matter. Nothing mattered but Konoka. She was in danger, and once more dishonor piled upon me. Foolish. I should not have gotten careless. It should not have believed that just because we were in the library that Konoka would be safer. Why did I forget that the Library Exploration Club was a level B-plus-plus organization? Oh, Konoka! What danger are you in, trapped beneath the bowels of the Earth, far from home? With none else to turn to, will you finally succumb to Asuna's advances, baring yourself to her and allowing her to touch your pale, smooth, silky skin, and–_

"All right, Sakurazaki-san, I think that's more than enough monologue-ing," Signum interrupted, running behind the girl. "Isn't that supposed to be an _inner_ monologue?"

"And due to the understandable stress upon you, we are willing to overlook your calling us 'trumped up nannies," Saber said. There was a glint in her eye. "_This_ time."

Setsuna glared at them, shutting off her tape-recorder. "This is no time to be flippant!"

"We weren't the ones recording a film noir monologue," Signum pointed out. She narrowed her eyes and looked head of them. "Ah, here we are."

She slowed down, and Saber followed suit with some confusion. Setsuna cursed, but did so as well. She really had no idea where she was going, after all.

Signum eyed the bookshelf critically, then pulled out a rather thick book entitled "_What To Do When Contact Is Lost With A Team And A Slightly Unstable Stalker Insists On Mounting An Immediate Rescue Mission While Having A Monologue_", and opened it. Inside was a big red button. She pressed it. Nothing happened. She put the book back on the shelf.

Saber and Setsuna jumped as several bookshelves lid upwards, revealing several racks of weapons, armor, food, climbing gear, supplies, a vending machine, several bunk beds, and a map. There was an arrow that helpfully said, 'You are here' and 'Exit'. Setsuna and Saber's jaws dropped.

"What the heck?" Setsuna exclaimed.

"Nodoka-chan brings me along on exploratory missions," Signum explained, eyeing the racks, and selecting a classic long sword, testing the swing. Then she began picking out from the armor, pulling on a Kevlar and Ballistic Plate reinforced chainmail shirt. "Help yourself, but remember to sign off on the equipment. It's Library Club Property."

Saber considered this, and began helping herself to some plate armor and an enormous bastard sword.

"Are you kidding me?" Setsuna growled.

Signum grabbed a Handy Haversack and thrust it at her. "Make yourself useful and load up on medicines and bandages, will you? And food. We'll need food."

Setsuna glared, but sulkily began to comply. She paused as she found a bottle mark 'Last Elixir'. "Huh. So _this_ is where Yue gets her drinks…"

...

_In the deepest part of library island…_

Negi woke up slowly. The sound of water lapping against a shore washed through his ears, slowly lulling him from dreams of being a rutabaga (don't ask). He felt exhausted and beaten to within an inch o his life. It was not unlike how he'd felt after the Grail War ended.

"Ugh…" he heard someone groan. "Did anyone get the name of the tsunami that hit me?"

"Ah… Set-chan… don't, someone will see us…" someone else muttered.

"Ah… Aunt Miko… it's so tight…" someone else muttered.

"Ah… Nodoka-chan… take me…" a third muttered.

Negi jerked awake the whole way, instinctively making he wasn't hip-deep in someone. Nope, he wasn't in anyone, though everything was up and running, so to speak.

Trying to think of Twilight to calm down, he looked around as the girls slowly began to wake up. "What is this place?" he asked looking around at the deep pools of water, the shelves full of books, pillars of tree roots, and what looked like buildings in the distance.

"_This_ place is below the library?" Makie exclaimed, looking around.

"It's incredible we survived, considering how high we fell," Kaede observed, opening one eye slightly, her Sharinnegan spinning slowly as she scanned the area before closing her eye again. "And why's it so bright? The walls are glowing."

"Oh, that's perfectly normal library ecology," Yue said, reaching into her bag and drawing out a Dessert Eagle and sliding the mechanism, then slipped it into her holster. "Be sure to keep an eye out everyone, there might be Mimics about."

"What?" Negi said, alarmed.

"Nothing to worry about sensei, just don't touch any treasure chests you see. They'll eat you."

Asuna paused, stared at that treasure chest she was kneeling in front of, and slowly backed away.

"Where are we?" Nanoha asked worriedly, looking around frantically.

Yue hummed. "There are legends about these places… I believe we are in one of the legendary underground reading room oases. Its underground, but designed to fill you with warmth light and peace… A paradise for book lovers!"

Yue turned to look at them, a scary look in her eyes. "The story goes that anyone who see these places never return alive…"

"_WHAT?-!_" Makie cried.

"Wait, if they died, who lived to tell the story?" Vita asked.

"Good point," Konoka said. "Let's hope you're right… presuming we find a way to get out of here."

"This is crazy!" Akane cried. "See, _this _is what you guys get for trying totake a shortcut to studying! At this rate, we'll miss the test entirely!"

Ku, Kaede, Asuna, Yue and Makie brightened at the thought.

"That's a bad thing!" Negi reminded them.

The five slumped. "Oh, yeah…" they sighed.

"Forget the test!" Akane said. "What if we never get out? Oh my god! I'm going to die!"

"Now, now, calm down," Negi said. After all, he'd been in more immediately life threatening situations during the Grail War. He was good at keeping calm. "Worrying ourselves sick won't accomplish anything."

"RANMA!" Akane cried. "GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE!-!-!-!-!"

There was silence as everyone sweatdropped and Akane listened intently. "Damn it," she sighed, wilting.

Asuna patted her on the back. "Don't worry. My brother isn't as awesome as I am. It's expected he wouldn't just suddenly appear out of nowhere to rescue us."

Akane sighed. "Yeah, I suppose not. I'm mean, he's not a girl like us. He can't be expected to be as awesome."

...

Saotome Ranma looked down at himself. "I have breasts…" he said numbly. He reached up and squeezed. "Yup, I have breasts."

She looked at her red bracelet. She looked down at Defenestrated Hamster. She wrapped her arms around the Entrail Animal and held it close, tears coming to her eyes. "_Thank you…_" she cried.

She dashed around herroommate and locked the door to the bathroom. This would be a while...

His roommate Katsuragi Keima didn't notice a thing, too busy playing his dating sims to give a damn about the Real. He frowned at an email he'd just received. _To the God of Conquest; I have heard rumors that you can conquer any girl…_

Slightly incensed at the seeming provocation, he clicked 'reply'…

...

2-A was having a perfectly normal morning. Get up, indulge in their own particular early morning fetishes, wash up, get dressed, rush to class, hear a voice over the P.A. system announce the Angels were attacking…

Whoops! Wrong fic!

…

Seriously, let's not go there.

As the girls of 2-A milled about doing their own thing as they waited for class to start, the door suddenly slid open, and Nodoka rolled in, Haruna pushing her wheelchair. "Everyone, we've got trouble!"

Ayaka sighed. "Did Asuna have another panic attack because she almost got wet and started accusing the fountains of being minions of evil? Again?"

"Worse!" Haruna cried.

"Setsuna and Tsunetsuki-san are having another stalker-off?" Asakura suggested.

"No, Tsunetsuki-san's between DEEP LOVES right now," Sakurako said.

"You walked in on Kaede-nee in a compromising situation!" the twins gasped.

"No, none of that!" Haruna cried. "Negi-sensei and the Baka Rangers, Nanoha, Vita-san and Akane are trapped in Library Island!"

There was a moment of stunned silence.

"Those lucky bitches!" Misa cried, aghast. "Sakurako, what happened to your luck? Why aren't you in on this?"

"My luck has failed me!" Sakurako wailed.

"My," Chizuru said, her bracelet clattering as she raised a hand to her cheek. "This is quite a development."

Ayaka stood on her desk, pointing dramatically before her at nothing in particular. "Negi-sensei needs us! 2-A, prepare to mount a rescue party! We will enter the deepest depths of the underworld to return Negi-sensei to us!"

"And our other classmates too, right?" Natsumi said.

Ayaka huffed. "Oh, very well, if we really must."

A teacher entered the room. "Miss Yukihiro, please don't stand on your desk."

She hastily got down. "Sorry, Oliver-sensei."

The American put his things down on the desk. "I've been asked to substitute for Mr. Springfield. Please open your books to… ah… everyone wait here while I go get my book from the office…"

...

"I wonder where Saber and Negi are?" Rin mused as she lay in bed. "It's not like them not to come home…"

Next to her. Illya pouted. "Darn it Negi-kun!" she whined. "I need my Negi-kun injecton!"

"We _all_ need our Negi-kun injection," Rin groused. "Thank goodness you have _two_ maids…"

Sella and Leysritt, it should be mentioned, were doing this of their own free will and very much enjoying themselves. The reason the other two were currently coherent was because they were having an oxygen break…

...

"All right everyone!" Negi called to them. "don't worry, I'm sure we'll find a way out of here and back home soon enough… somehow! In the meantime… let's study for the test!"

It didn't get the reaction he hoped for.

"W-what?-!" Ku cried.

"Now everyone, you want to be ready for the test when we leave here, don't you?" Negi said.

"Isn't that a little overly optimistic, Negi-sensei?" Konoka said.

"N-no, Negi-kun's right," Makie said. "After all, it's why we're here, isn't it? To pass the test? Granted, we lost the book, but…"

"Hey, that was your fault!" Asuna cried, pointing at Makie.

"Is not!" Makie shot back. "Everyone knows if you're asked for the flight speed of an unladen swallow, you ask what kind!"

Negi was nodding. "Makie-san is right! She gave the correct answer. It's not her fault the golem cheated. "

...

"It occurs to me," Saber said philosophically, "that being a librarian is hardly an appropriate occupation for a young lady. In fact, it is hardly an appropriate endeavor for _us_, and we are experienced, battle-hardened warriors."

"I believe it speaks very highly of Nodoka-chan that she does this despite her disabilities," Signum said, reaching for a grenade and tossing it around the bookshelf they were using as cover. The grenade exploded, and there was a roar as the Thesaurus was caught in the blast.

From above, Setsuna attacked the giant carnivorous dinosaur as planned, shouting, "For Akamatsu, Konoka and Mahora!"

...

Hibiki Ryouga woke up and noticed two things. One, he was a girl. From the feel of things, she was wearing perfectly ordinary pajamas, which was tame by fetish fuel standards. He'd once transformed and ended up in nothing but a whipped cream bikini with strawberry nipples. A good thing too, since he'd been starving.

Two, there was a tray of food next to her, still warm, as well as a folded note.

_Will be back after classes. There's more food in the fridge, help yourself. – Ayaka XOXOXOXOXO_

As Ryouga wondered how you were supposed to pronounce "XOXOXOXOXO" and who would be cruel enough to give that name to a perfectly nice girl like Ayaka, memories of the last couple of days came back to her. "Damn you Saotome!" she growled. "Framing your own brother for your crimes by stealing his identity! Is there no low you will sink to? I swear, I shall not rest until this injustice has been answered for!"

Having set up her motivation for the rest of the fic, Ryouga chowed down. The food was actually pretty good.

...

It was after classes, and people stared curiously at the group of students at one of the tables, wondering if there was a field trip going on. But no, these students were wearing Mahora uniforms, so it couldn't be that…

At the more-or less front of the group was a girl with long blonde hair, a horse whip and a bullhorn. In deference to the fact she was in a library, the bullhorn was turned off. "All right, 2-A," she snapped as loudly as she dared. "At about 2300 hours last night, the Baka Rangers, our esteemed teacher Negi-sensei. Tendo Akane, Takamachi Nanoha and Nodoka-chan's relative Vita-san disappeared into library island. Our mission, and you girls _will _be accepting it, is to locate them, get them out, and make sure they study for the final exams on Monday!"

There were muted cheers. _No one_ wanted to be on the wrong side of the Library Exploration Club and its ninja librarians.

"Now," Ayaka said as Nodoka, Shamal and Haruna set up another Mission control behind her, pointing at a map they had set up previously. "Contact was lost _here_. They were supposedly going for a magic book that raises intelligence–"

"There's a Tome of Understanding here in the library?" Fumika gasped.

"That joke was already done last time," Haruna told her. "Let's not repeat it, shall we?"

"Aw…"

"As we are in a rush, we shall take a short-cut through _here_," Ayaka said, gesturing at a part of the map.

Nodoka gasped. "No Iinchou, you mustn't! That's the most dangerous section of the library, with encounters of at _least_ ECL 20! The darkest, most evil books in the world are stored there!"

"What, like the Necronomicron?" Madoka asked.

"Worse!" Nodoka said. "Stephenie Meyer Novels… Anne Rice Books… Laurel Hamilton… Ishihara… even…" Nodoka shuddered. "Self-insert Lemons and Tomahawk fanfics!"

Everyone blanched in horror, turning stark white. Only Haruna looked unimpressed.

"Hey, it's not that bad," she said. "That's where my doujins are filed…"

"IINCHOU, THIS IS A SUICIDE RUN!" the cheerleaders wailed as loudly as legally possible in a library.

Ayaka gave them all a determined look. "I realize the Acererak wing of the library is incredibly dangerous–"

"Iinchou, please think this through!" Nodoka pleaded. "You're talking about the Shelves of Horrors!"

"Nonsense!" Ayaka dismissed. "It can't be that dangerous! It's a library wing!"

Nodoka stared at Ayaka, then hung her head. If she'd had a hat, she'd have taken it off. "I see there was no talking Iinchou out of going through the shelves," she said. She wheeled over and patted Ayaka's hand. "You were a good class-rep, Ayaka-san. I'll put flowers on your grave, if we ever recover your body…"

Ayaka gave the girl a sideways look. "Why did you just refer to me in the past tense?"

Nodoka just gave her a haunted look, sniffed, dabbed the tears from her eyes and turned away.

Chizuru laughed gaily, moving up to step next to Ayaka. "Now, now Ayaka-chan, I'm sure it's nothing serious. Look, I'll go with you, how about that?"

Ayaka stared at Chizuru, the latter wearing her usual cheerful expression, and turned to the others. "All right, as I see you all have strong feelings about this, I will take only volunteers. Who's with me?"

Most of the class took a sharp, deliberate step back. Ayaka found herself staring at Chachamaru, Zazie, Chao and a surprised Akira.

"Welcome aboard the mission to rescue Negi-sensei girls!" Ayaka said cheerfully. "Thank you for volunteering!"

"Um, well, I suppose as long I'm here…" Akira said, looking over her shoulder as if she had expected people to step forward rather than leaving her behind. She seemed genuinely surprised. Chachamaru nodded in assent, while Zazie just stood there, a vague expression on her face.

"Eh, this could be good fun!" Chao said. "I've been meaning to try out a few gadgets I've invented. This will be a good test run!"

Ayaka nodded and turned to Haruna. "Well, I guess this is our party, Haruna-san! Take us to the shelves!"

Haruna saluted. "Aye-aye, captain! Just let me get my gear"

As she raised off, approaching footsteps could be heard, and Saotome Ranma jogged into view, clutching his cell phone. The poor boy looked horrible. He was sweaty and his face was flushed, no doubt from worry and having to run all the way to library. The first two fingers of his right had were twitching, and from time to time he touched his chest. Perhaps something pained him.

"Yukihiro-san!" he appointed, and from the sound of it he'd been panting for a while. "What happened to Akane-chan and my sister?"

"They got lost in library island," Ayaka explained. "But fear not, Saotome-san! I promise you that I, in my capacity as class representative, will do everything in my power to get them back alive."

Somehow, Ranma looked less than comforted. "I'm coming along too!" he insisted.

Ayaka looked at him skeptically. He wasn't the martial artist Asuna was– like Akane, it was more of a means of exercise and self-defense for him, not a way of life– but he looked determined, and she nodded agreement."Welcome aboard, Saotome-san!"

"Someone call my– oh, hey cousin," Haruna said. Truthfully, they weren't _really_ related, but the joke had stuck ever since they'd met.

"Haruna…" Ayaka asked.

"Yes?"

"Why are you carrying body bags?"

Haruna looked innocent. "What? They're convenient for storing a lot of stuff in."

Ayaka gave her a suspicious look.

"What?"

Ayaka sighed, and pointed her horsewhip dramatically. Since she really wasn't sure which way she was going, it was pointed at a vending machine. "Onward, 2-A and related personnel! Let's get our people back!"

As they started walking, Haruna leading the way, Chizuru walked next to Ranma. "My, what a nice bracelet you have there, Ranma-san…"

...

**- To be continued...**

...

A/N: I'm wondering whether I should make it officially part of this fic that Linith, as a last request, signed Precia up for grief counseling…

If I time it right, she should stop being such a jerk to Fate about midway through original season arc.

Yes, part of the library consists of the Tomb of Horrors. The ORIGINAL one. I went to a LOT of trouble to get a copy of the original module to do that. Talk about DOING THE RESEACH…

Ranma, skill and experience-wise, is equal to Akane in this story, and Akane is a bit less than she is in canon, due to being a more relaxed person in this fic. And yes, Ranma _might_ later show his innate talent for martial arts, but this story isn't about him!

Was going to show Ranma and Chizuru's weapon this chap, but ran out of inspiration. See you next year!

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.


End file.
